Friday, October 15, 2010

UTUBE.

My family all got together for a family dinner the other night and my mom called me into the office. When I walked in I found her sitting at the computer with a frustrated look on her face...

Now this might be a good time to explain how computer illiterate my parents are. Lets just say they are about as talented with the computer as Nicolas Cage and Brendan Fraser are as actors.

All of the above; painful to watch.

"Hey Hawk, how is it that you get to YouTube again?"

I looked over at the computer screen and saw a myriad of things that had gone terribly, terribly wrong.

First of all, my parents only use Internet Explorer. When they first started using it it looked like any other regular ol' Internet Explorer browser, but now it looks like a 13 year old girl's web browser. The toolbar at the top has somehow quadrupled in size and now contains everything from 'definitions of the day' to an emoticon library. After interrogating both of my parents separately about this, they both blamed the other for the additions and for being the reason the computer was so slow nowadays.

I look over only to see that my mom has typed utube.com in the box where you put your zip code to find out the weather, typed utube.com in the 'find' function that searches the browser's page, and last but not least typed utube.com in the horoscope box where you type in your month of birth (all of which, might I add, can be found on one of the 9+ toolbars stacked up at the top of the browser).

With a little assistance...

"Well let's see. Click over here. And, um, go ahead and type youtube.com (u as in y-o-u) up here in this box... and hit enter."

The page loaded and read,

"TIME FOR AN UPDATE; THE VERSION OF THIS BROWSER DOES NOT SUPPORT YOUTUBE!"

Wow, now even YouTube was taking shots at my mom.

[awkward silence]

I finally open up a Firefox window for her and get her all settled in, and I show her the little box that she can use to find the video she is looking for.

This is what I watch her type...




That was all I could handle with a straight face. So, I left her to her skydiving...

...and I guess we'll never know.

Moral of Post:
  • My mother is infinitely more hip than I will ever be; don't be fooled by her lack in YouTube query skills. Lest we forget, this is the woman who introduced me to the 'Don't cha wish your girlfriend were hot like me' song, same woman who has a cooler iTunes library than I do and most likely ever will, and the same woman who tells me what music videos I should check out... of which I usually end up taking credit for when I show them to my friends.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Why I Hate Voicemail

Well, I have a problem...

I'll even admit it.

I just tried leaving a message on someone's voicemail. Ten minutes later, I look down and see this on my phone.

glaring back at me. 

#2#3#2#3#2#3#2#3#3#3#2#3#2#3#2#2#3#2#3#2#3#2#3#2#3#2#2#3#2#3#2#3#2#3#3#3#2#3#2#3#2#2#1#3

 Morals of the Post:
  • Does my voice REALLY sound like that?!
  • And yes, all my messages really ARE urgent and confidential... deal with it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Going Green One Decibel at a Time

I think I just heard someone in Connecticut open a Sun Chips bag.

Moral of Post:
  • Not only great for composting; but I'm willing to bet a pretty penny or two that this is going to be the new hipster's rape whistle.
Unfortunate Update: Hipsters you are out of luck (yet again); they are discontinuing the Sun Chips eco friendly bags, but lucky for you they'll be vintage in a month... so stock up.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Reason #495 for Treadmills

Do you ever drive past people that are running on the sidewalk and think,

'Wow. Do I look like that when I run?!'

[self conscious panic]

Moral of Post:
  • I haven't seen a run/strut like that since Hocus Pocus.
  • That being said; I'd take a runner over a cyclist any day.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Text of the Week

Some texts completely make your day. This was one of them.


Morals of Post:
  • The International Paruresis Association, estimates that 17 million Americans suffer from some form of Shy Bladder Syndrome.

  • Like any best friend would do... I thought about putting together a "Shy Bladder Walk" or "Shy Bladder Marathon" for the cause; but then I thought, maybe I'll just 'Google' for a cure... results were more than I could have ever hoped for... here is an excerpt.  I dedicate this to you Addi.

    "... offers a three-day workshop for shy bladders, held monthly in cities in the United States, Canada, and Great Britain. It costs $300 to attend. The first day is a group counseling session. During the second day, attendees gorge themselves on water and then, in pairs, practice voiding in their hotel bathrooms. In this exercise, one man stands at the toilet while a partner stands a comfortable distance behind him. As the first man begins to urinate, his partner inches closer, eventually standing directly behind the man, sometimes touching or razzing him as he urinates, to re-create the feel of a busy public restroom. The closing event of the workshop, which Soifer calls the "graduation ceremony," is held in a bathroom at a train station, airport, or, occasionally, a ballpark." - Bryan Curtis; Slate Magazine

    What the... I'm pretty certain that if someone snuck up behind me at a urinal and started touching me I would be more than a little shy too (not to mention really creeped out)... but hey, that's just me.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Chili Pepper and Pie

So I have a group of friends that I met at a concert a few years ago, and due to the fact that we stood in line together in below freezing cold weather for hours - and had to huddle for warmth to keep from freezing to the sidewalk we were standing on - we became really close and have been friends since. Each have gone on their own ways these days ... Texas, India, DC, etc... but when the stars align, and we finally get together in one location; magic happens.

One star aligned night, were finally able to get together and we were trying to figure out where we wanted to go to catch up - it was getting pretty late and Lianne was having a pie craving so she suggested Village Inn (Now if you are keeping a running log of red flags in this post, this may be a good place to start.)

We pull up to Village Inn and the place is packed! Riddle me this, when in the history of time has there ever been more customers than employees at Village Inn...

?!

Not to mention there are about 7 police vehicles parked in the parking lot, so it is safe to say that there was either a drug bust going down that we were about to walk right into, or the entire police workforce was on a doughnut break - crime can wait for ten right? So we cautiously make our way in and ask for a table. The hostess took us over to a section where there was absolutely no one and sat us down in a booth.

A little while later, out of nowhere, appears Katie* our waitress (a walking and breathing red flag) there is not enough blog space on the world wide web to adequately describe Katie but suffice it to say that on the busiest night in Village Inn's history - she is captain and master over a section with only one booth.

Turns out that every Wednesday they give out free pie with any purchase (hence the busyness) so we all ordered something little to qualify for the free pie. Oddly enough, that wasn't even the best surprise of the night.

Enter: Chili Pepper

So while our waitress is talking to us this other girl comes up and just starts shooting the breeze with us like we are old friends - now, she isn't a waitress nor had a name tag so we were all somewhat confused as to who this new mystery best friend was. When she came up to our table she pointed at me and the first words out of her mouth were, "Straight up dude, you look like Pete Wentz!" Then she proceeded to give us a personal invitation to watch her, Chili Pepper... you heard me, Chili Pepper, cage fight at the Throwdown arena. She then gave us a handwritten invitation to the fight.

May I repeat... ?!

As Chili Pepper was leaving our waitress came back and asked if we needed anything else - we said we were okay at the moment and she let out a huge sigh of relief and said - and I quote - "Good, because I really need to go take a dump." At that moment, my brain immediately hit that button where you get a 3 second replay of whatever just happened to make sure that, in fact, that did actually just happen. I looked around to Christine, Lianne, and Dave and asked, "Did I just..." "Yeah, you did..." "Ah, Okaaaay... good?"

We finally get some time to start catching up when guess who comes over to visit us again, the waitress you ask? (Afraid not... lest we forget she is still in the bathroom - and by the sound of her sigh, she might be there for a while) my friend, and yours, Chili Pepper. So Pepper, still freaked out by me looking like Wentz, comes up and asks me to do some random sequence of signs, like kissing my fingers and pounding them to my chest and throwing them back out... by this time we are trying are hardest not to laugh, but its also one of those moments that you start looking around the restaurant to see who is hiding around the corner recording you.

So naturally I oblige with the signs and she finally leaves, only to come back seonds later with a deck of cards that she wants to gift us so we could play egyptian rat screw (which I found out has another name, which I'll spare you) if we get bored. Ya know, like you do.

As Pepper left, yet again, our waitress emerged from the shadows with Dave's food. As she sat it down on the table and gave it to Dave she also manhandled all of the silverware, plates, and drink with her bathroom hands... Me, Lianne, Christine all look at each other, then at the food and silverware, then back at Dave as Christine chimed in, "Well Dave... Bon Appetit"

So just when you think it can't get any better... oh it does.

So as we are all watching Dave eat we hear a crash against the glass that is next to our booth and we look over to see Chili Pepper hanging over the edge and asking for our numbers - you know, since we are best friends and all now. Christine was about to explain that she is only visiting from Texas, but I beat her to the punch - Christine's phone was on the table so I was like, "Hmmm, Christine your phone is just right here, you can add it real quick!" Christine shot me a look as her and Pepper exchanged numbers and we assured Pepper that we would get her number from Christine later...

So we decided that this night could not conclude without a picture with Pepper so she came over and insisted that she sit in the middle so we take a pic or two and then she says that she wants one with the girls so she goes over and wedges herself in the middle of Christine and Lianne. Meanwhile, I guess Pepper was running her hands through their hair while I fumbled around trying to figure out how to work the camera.

After the photo-shoot, Pepper pulls out her phone and starts showing us her tattoo designs and top ideas of what she wants to get. The contenders are:
  • Top contender? Mushu. The dragon off of Mulan.

  • Runner Up? Ra. The all seeing eye, and I quote, "You know like the eye that is Omni-pres-sien-tal-cien-seless... [fade out mumbling]
So desperately trying to change the subject we ask about her upcoming fight and asked if it were her first one that she had done. She was like, "No, I had another big fight, it was with my ex-fiance. I won." So when Katie drifted by from who knows where (because she had already told us earlier that we were the only table that she was helping) we asked for our checks so we could get the hell out of there!

When we escaped outside we couldn't believe all that had happened and decided that 'wtf' should be the theme of all the times that we get together because every single time we do, it just gets more and more ridiculous...somehow we attract it. Finally, a group of others who are haunted by awkward as fiercely as I am.

For the next few months Christine would get all sorts of text messages from Peppa... here are just a few.




Morals of Post:
  • Magical things come out of concerts.
  • Even more magical things come out of Village Inn.
  • I love food, this we know... but no amount of free pie will ever get me to go back.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sunday Reflections

I would rather live in a communist country and be forced to labor in the Carni industry operating a tilt-a-whirl for the rest of my life than ever become a Miley Cyrus fan. 

That being said, sadly when her song is on the radio... I nod my head like yeah, and I shake my hips like yeah...

Moral of Post: 

  • Sundays are obviously for deep thinking.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Better Safe Than Sorry

I was in the grocery store when I came across this fun little scene.

The first time I walked by this woman, bless her heart, I had one of those moments where your brain is trying to assess the situation and is desperately trying to circle the item that doesn't belong. It wasn't until after I had passed her that I realized; yes, yes that grandma is wearing a helmet and yes, we are inside of a grocery store.

So naturally I had to go back to get some 'chips' in order capture the moment.


Morals of the Post:
  • Really, how dangerous is the deli meat aisle?
  • I was slightly tempted to throw a grape at her helmet (you know, just to make sure the helmet was operating properly) but then I thought to myself, 'What if that were my grandma wearing a helmet in the deli aisle... would I want someone throwing grapes at her?" After thinking about that for a minute... I realized, "My grandma would NEVER wear a helmet to the grocery store... ever." So I kinda got tempted again.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Burn

Little boy passing me in the parking lot: "Hey dad... that guy has a purse."

Moral of Post:
  • Little boy: 1  Man bag: 0

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Road Rage and Uber Sized

I may be a pretty chipper person but I have found that there is one thing that is guaranteed to bring out the Mr. Hyde in me faster than anything else... driving with other people on the road.

No really... I could be having the best day of my life but the second that I get in the car and have to share the road with a bunch of people that maneuver their car like they learned to drive via Mario Kart or Rad Racer; it's game over.

When people drive like idiots on the freeway it's like I turn into an enraged/threatened savage she-bear trying to protect her young minus the fact that I, in fact, am not she-bear nor do I have any young.

Also, I have found that it is not only bad drivers that drive me insane but getting stuck behind slow drivers apparently has the same effect.

Here is a typical scenario...

I am driving while it is a 95 degrees outside and I think to myself... You know what, I'll take the freeway a little early today, which is typically under construction and usually down to one or two lanes all the time. This way I won't get stuck in traffic for hours on my way home...

Then I am gently reminded of the universe's poorly hidden vendetta towards me.

So as the lane goes down to one lane this is usually what I get stuck behind...




Turns out you can never be early enough on a freeway because the next thing you know, instead of traffic, you are stuck behind a slow car and trapped next to a house...




or the giant wing of a plane...


and then about five minutes later, the plane's other giant wing...





But this has to be the icing on the cake...

While on a road trip, after driving for hours and hours, we came up behind this guy and I thought, "Wow, I must either be really exhausted or absolutely starving... because - call me crazy - that kinda looks like a giant cheeseburger on the freeway that we are coming up on?!"




Oh wait, my bad; that IS a giant cheeseburger on the freeway.



Yes, that's right... a giant cheeseburger that takes up the whole bed of a semi truck.

And we wonder why there is obesity in America.

Morals of Post:
  •  Things that I was unable to photograph fast enough while following them on the freeway: 
       
    - Mom duck and about six baby ducks waddling across the freeway in traffic.

    - Some giant mushroom-ish float for a 4th of July parade.
        
    - The pick up truck that had about 3x its height in stacked furniture and 'safely' secured with loose twine going 80 mph.
  • For your information, I am still a better driver operating a camera whilst driving than about 93% of the jokers on the road with me. So don't even get me started!
  • Update: Eric sent this to me today... I thought it was great, so I'm adding it.
"So in regards to your most recent blog post. I passed this guy on the freeway the other day. I wish I had a better shot, but what is in the back of this guy's truck are loaves of bread. Front and back, top to bottom; loaves of bread. Certainly not a giant hamburger but still weird."

    Sunday, August 1, 2010

    Stage Fright with Rihanna

    I went to dinner the other night at this great Italian place that I'd been to once before and had remembered these three things about it...

    1. Best chicken pesto thin crust pizza you'll ever grace your taste buds with.

    2. Incredible sea salted thin crust bread sticks with hummus.

    3. Awesome modern bathrooms.

    Now, being a creature of habit, I ordered the two menu items listed above and once again they did not disappoint; the bathrooms on the other hand...

    I go to use the restroom and when I opened the door I was caught off guard by someone already in the bathroom staring me down....

    this:

    What the....

    Never in my life have I walked into a bathroom with a glorified Chia Pet / effigy lurking in the shadows.

    Frightening. Muy muy frightening.

    Now, riddle me this... does this not look EXACTLY like a planty haired version of Rihanna?

    No really, check it:


    ONE AND THE FREAKIN' SAME!!

    Suffice it to say that when you have Rihanna in the bathroom with you... there will be some degree of stage fright associated.

    Moral of the Post:
    • Disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
      Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
              Yes, stone faced-plant haired Rihanna... yes, yes you are. 

    • Jan told me the other day that I have a greater brain capacity and use more brain cells than the average human being... but that unfortunately, those brain cells are used to detect inanimate objects that look like celebrities.

      I'm afraid I'm proving her right.

    Sunday, July 25, 2010

    Japan Town

    San Francisco Adventures Part II:

    After pitching a campaign at Haagen-Dazs' headquarters we had the rest of the time to play around and explore the city.

    Our friends ended up staying at a different place than us during the first part of the trip. I guess they had found a killer deal on a room at a hotel somewhere in Japan Town (red flag numero uno).

    What's the second red flag you ask?

    Hows abouts the fact that the name of the hotel was: Hotel Tomo! Anime Hotel.

    Luckily we were able to hang out for a minute in their hotel one night... allow me to take you on the tour.


     Meet Hotel Tomo!


    The ceiling of the lobby. This is what first slaps you in the face as you walk in... the giant pink hand floating above you.



    Then we have lobby furniture. What you cannot see are the three television sets stacked on top of another playing anime movies to the left.



    Here we have the blottoman... part blob + part couch + part ottoman and ALL swagger.


    This is the mural on the wall of the bedroom. The girl painted on the wall is actually crying and has tears coming down her cheeks. I can only assume its because the stupid doves stole all of her mail and flew away with them. A lot of symbolism in this. Deep... really really deep.



    Now here is the kicker... this is the only framed picture in the room.  My guess is that this is where someone can open it from the other side of the wall and you would NEVER know the difference. On a creepy level this guages at about 9.3 give or take .5

    Each floor has bright neon walls and every door is a different color. When you walk out of the elevator it's kinda like old school zebra stripe gum meets carnival fun house meets the Winchester Mystery house.

    Now when I said 'here is the kicker'... I lied. THIS is the kicker... as I was leaving the hotel I noticed a sign that said, "To check into the Sleep Disorders Center go to the lobby desk." Yes, if you suffer from sleep disorders, including Sleep Apnea, Insomnia, etc; you can be observed and treated here.

    [blank stare]

    Because nothing screams relaxation and sweet dreams like proven anxiety colors, peep holes, and traumatic murals all lulling you to sleep at night...

    Morals of Post:
    • Once again, if you are in the bay area...
    • The only thing missing is the complimentary 'Chupacabra' in every room. Maybe next year?

    Wednesday, July 21, 2010

    A Gift for You

    So my friend got a gift from Target online.

    When you buy a gift from target online you can pay 6 extra bucks for them to wrap it.

    My friend had an internal debate whether or not to pay to have someone else wrap a gift for her but figured that they would have cool ribbon, etc... and it would end up looking better than what she could have done with the stuff she had at home.

    False.


    Meet the worst gift wrapping non-job you have ever seen.

    The gift came inside a bigger box that had no packaging peanuts or anything. Just a box inside another bigger box rolling around during its journey from China, or wherever, to here.

    Another personal highlight of mine would be the fact that:

    A. There was no tape. At all.

    B. The ribbon. The ribbon, once wrapped around the box, actually is about 3 inches from even touching the other side of the ribbon. It looks more like a little tail for the box that they glued on. Or like the little streamer on the bottom of kites.

    Fun? Yes.

    Professional? H to the no.

    Moral of Post:

          Gift... 50 dollars.

          Worst Wrap Job Ever... 6 dollars

          My friend still giving the gift and writing "A gift for you, only the best will do, this is the worst wrapping job, so if you got a problem... screw you." on the card provided...  Priceless

    T.G.I.M.

    Thank the good heavens above that its finally Monday!

    Here is a little word scramble game with the theme of my weekend...

    LIAFRUE

    Hint: The beginning rhymes with pail and the word ends in -ure.

    failure. good job.

    Okay where do I even begin? How about the fact that I had to work Saturday and had two wedding receptions that night (which happened to be an hour apart from each other) and a weekend retreat which was to include fireworks and a Brazilian barbecue...

    Eventful to say the least.

    So after work (and getting about 2 hours of sleep the night before) I came home and crashed on my bed. When I woke up it was clear that I had slept more than just a few hours... I had been dead to the world for actually quite a few hours and woke up in a horrible nap funk/realization that I was ridiculously late now. I had all but missed one of my good friend's reception (Mary, I apologize from the bottom of my jagged little heart! As you will see, karma definitely showed me what was up for missing it). Friend fail.

    So I frantically tried to find any clothes that I could get away with wearing to a reception since I had forgotten to pick up my dry cleaning with all my shirts, pants, etc earlier that day. Swagger fail.

    I also became very aware that I hadn't eaten since breakfast, so I swung by Wendy's on my way and for the next 15 minutes tried to drive, eat, and avoid getting fancy ketchup all over myself. Though I'm not quite sure how... I managed to not spill, but I did manage to get flipped off by the guy in the car in front of me? Driving fail.

    An hour later I finally make it to the general whereabouts of the address on the invitation, but of course they are having construction everywhere in the city and had about every road that I needed to take closed off with orange barrels. Convenience fail.

    I make it to what I think is probably the right area and see a ton of cars parked along the road. SUCCESS! I found it! So I hop out of my car and am warmly greeted by ranchero music pounding in the air. Hmmm, I didn't know that they had such an appreciation for Latin culture to play tuba music at their wedding... whatever. Then as I walked around thought to myself, "Hmmm, also interesting that only Latins were invited to their wedding?! M a y b e.... this isn't the right place?" Quincienera crashing fail.

    So I drove around again trying to find the address and came to a dead end which I thought was was only a block away from where the reception should be; I got out of my car to see if I could cut across a field to get to it. Smart, I know. So there I was on the west side of the railroad tracks on a dead end road walking around empty warehouses in the dark trying to see if I can find 'the hardware building'. 

    I then saw a car coming down the dead end road towards me; I have seen one too many movies to know that this had trouble written all over it, so I jetted over to my car and took off.

    Realizing that I was never going to find this place on my own, I put the address in my phone and it ended up taking me to a giant mall complex on the other side of the tracks. Wtf.

    So I get out and asked the people in a Barnes and Noble in the mall if they had any idea where the hardware building or warehouse was and they told me there were a lot of warehouses around. Duly noted. I told them that I had trespassed nearly all of them. They said there was a red brick building behind the mall that could be it. So I left the mall and checked out the building but the side store was for some other company and was definitely not a place for a reception.

    I had been driving around for an hour and a half when I decided I was never going to find this joint in this lifetime and I started driving away when I noticed on top of the building that I had just checked out said, 'The Warehouse Building'! So I pulled over again and ran across the street to the building and went to the other side of the street passing a security guard along the way.

    Of course the doors were locked so I went back and found the the security guard and...

    Me: Hey, where can I get into the reception?
    Security guard: There is no reception here.
    Me: Okay, where nearby is having a reception?
    Security guard: There isn't a reception tonight.
    Me: Is there another part of the building that would have receptions?
    Security guard: Are you with the 'blah blah blah' group?
    Me: Um... m a y b e....
    Security guard: [walks over to keypad to put in the code to open the doors]
           So, are you with the group?
    Me: Well, I could be... not quite sure where I'm suppose to be.
    [Security guard stops typing in numbers and looks hesitant to let me in]
    Me: Wait... yeah, I probably am.

    I had successfully broken into the building by beguiling a security guard. By now I'm pretty much double '0' status. If you need a spy or just someone uber sneaky... hit me up.

    So I walk into the building and have no idea where to go and start wandering around when I hear someone yell behind me, "Hey" and I turn and it's the security guard and he tells me to go straight down the hall and that is where my party is. panic. Pretty sure this group of people is going to know that I am not really with them when I go traipsing inside.

    When I walked into the room I see my friend, his new wife, and both of their parents. All alone. I could have sworn that the the reception went until 10:30 (which by now was around 10:20) They all turned around when I walked in and had the most surprised/confused looks on their faces, which in return put a confused look on my face too.

    Groom: Hawk! What are you doing here?
    Me: Um, I know I'm a little late?
    Bride: Oh no... did you think our wedding was tonight?
    Bride: Its next weekend.
    Groom: We were just out to dinner with our parents and thought we would check it out again one more time before next week.
    Me: Hmm, that's weird... I thought I'd check out the place a week before too. You know, check the place out, make sure I know how to get there, [fade out mumbling]...

    So just when you don't think you can feel like any more of a failure...

    Groom's dad: Well of course he didn't think it was today... he didn't bring a present.

    Thank you Groom's dad.

    Morals of the Post:
    • Just when you think you are having a special night secluded with the ones you love most... I will be there. I will always creepily be there. "Hey guys, ya'll sure do walk fast! Man, you almost lost me after dinner..."
    • First time I have ever looked forward to a Monday.
    • Two failed receptions and to top it off - not one single reception dinner... I should have 'hola'ed' my way into the Quicienera Fiesta when I had my chance.

    Monday, July 12, 2010

    Tribute to the Children

    Dear children that were on your little bikes distracting the cop hiding behind the sign waiting to speed trap me as I rocketed by while I was late to work this morning,

    thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Love,

    Hawk

    Moral of Post:
    • Universe: 154,306,527
      Me: 1

    Wednesday, July 7, 2010

    Deadly Plagues

    As I have mentioned before about my immune system... I apparently don't have one. That or it has, like Amanda Bynes, taken all that it can and retired.

    Monday: Severe allergies.
    • I went through a roll and a half of toilet paper and finished up a box of Kleenex. By severe I mean perma nose faucet and continual sneezing from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. (which was about the time I ate dinner, took a healthy dose of Benadryl, and peaced out to the world for about the next 14 hours). 

    Tuesday: Food poisoning.
    • Dear Joe Banditos restaurant,
             
                      I hate you. I hate you with the passion of a thousand suns. Not only did you make me throw up 7 times yesterday (one of which was in Walmart. WALMART! Worst place ever to have to throw up fyi), but also for the fever, dehydration, and 12 minutes of sleep that I got last night.

    Wednesday (today): Migraine.
    • Food Poisoning hangover.

    Thursday (forecast for tomorrow): Locusts and/or all the water around me turning into blood.
    • I'm fairly certain if things continue to go the way they have the past two days, I should have finished all the plagues by Saturday or Sunday.
     Bring it on.


    Morals of Post:
    • Amanda Bynes, really? Life sure is rough.
    • Joe Banditos caused 5 people to have to call in sick to their work and think they were going to die. We ALL hate you.

    Friday, July 2, 2010

    Heartbreak Hoopers

    So when I got to my friend's place in San Francisco the other week, I barely had time to say hello when we went to her favorite store because she had just bought her husband a jacket there and thought I would want one just like it, and I didn't have time to blink before we were in her car driving over.

    We got there and walked through the door of the store only to be greeted by a girl in full half moon yoga position, which went into lion position, and then against the laws of nature... went into feathered peacock position.

    I'm sorry, WHERE are we?!

    The girl then hopped up and started chatting away with my friend as I snuck on over to the jackets in the corner. I was alone for no more than three minutes when I hear a, "Hi! I'm Arielle! So how do you two know each other?!" It was the incredibly perky yoga master from the front of the store; so I jumped in telling her how my friend and I knew each other.

    Somehow (still not quite sure how...) we got talking about how she was an aerialist (which I find to be quite the irony/foreshadow that her name is Arielle and that she is an aerialist... that's kinda like if I end up being a Hawk handler for the rest of my life; good to know I have options). We then got talking about how she would love to join Cirque du Soleil but never could because they require you to speak french fluently to be in their troupe. I informed her that I too had some reasons why the good people of Cirque du Soleil would never let me join their troupe either.

    Check out 'Empathy' in the dictionary... you'll see the picture of us in the jacket section commiserating together as their reference picture.

    Our conversation from utter left field somehow got more interesting as she started telling me that she specializes in hula hoop. Now once conversation has reached hula hoop status, one will find themselves completely invested and completely out of 'casual chit-chat' bounds.

    She told me about where she had learned it, and she also told me that she teaches hula hoop classes at night. Then, out of bloody nowhere, there was a HULA HOOP right in front of me that she somehow had in her hands?!! Magical.

    She then informed me that she makes all of her own hula hoops and this is one of the ones that she had made. By now a lot of the coworkers had gathered around chanting for her to 'hula', meanwhile my friend was nowhere to be found?!

    What is happening?!

    Here is another blatant iPhone plug... you will never know when you will cross paths with a professional hula hooper and mark my words, when that day comes you had better have some kind of recording device with you to capture the moment.

      Behold...

    video


    She is incredible.

    Now I'm not one to brag, but I have been known to win a shimmy contest or two in my day... but never did I know what I have been missing all these years!

    Shimmy + Hula  =  Default Win.

    She gave me one of her business cards and I would be really selfish to keep it all to myself... so here you go.

    Heartbreak Hoopers
    Heartbreakhoopers.com
    Arielle (aka 'Hooperella')

    Apparently you get a hooper name when you turn pro.

    I have been thinking of what my hooper name would be should I decide to reconsider my career...

    Hawkahoop...

    Hoopahawker...

    Ken-a-hoopa-hawk-anator...

    Hooper-hamhawk-a-loogie....

    Hmmm, starting to have to have some horrible junior high flashbacks. I'll have to work on the name...

    Morals of the Post:
    • I don't know if its the hippie in my blood talking, or the Native American connecting with ritual ring/rain dances... but either way, this is baller!! I endorse it! a lot.
    •  If interested, and you live in the bay area... have Arielle teach you! She's pretty much the best thing to hit hula hoops since, well... ever.  Tell her Hawk sent you.
    • If you own a company I HIGHLY recommend stationing yoga'ers, aerialists, and hoopers at every entrance... I felt guilty for getting a complete performance and not buying anything, so I bought the jacket. That my friends, is smart marketing.

    • To all my Heartbreak Hoopers out there... Hoop on.

    Thursday, July 1, 2010

    Mazda, Why?!

    Things That Scare/Creep Me Out Beyond Reason Part I:

    May I introduce you to the new Mazda 2010... aka Satan's Chariot.



    The first time that I saw one of these at work I thought to myself,

    "Wow, you kind of look familiar there little guy..."

    Then I realized...

    "Oh, because you are pretty much the identical twin of the Letters to Juliet girl... "


     
    How is that possible?

    Could it be the little slanty eyes that are approx. 3 feet apart? Or the large nervous ear to ear grin? Or maybe the button nose?

    Kinda adorable? Sure.

    Mostly Creepy? Absolutely.

    So that was my first run in with the weird phenomenon... a safe distance away, and I was safely protected from it by a thick wall and a sturdy window.

    I was safe.

    Later that week I was driving down the road when, next thing I knew, one of them came zooming at me in the other lane... let me just tell you that the likeness and similarities of the funny blond girl in Mean Girls ended there...

    As we passed each other it took on a new frighteningly similar resemblance to that of Jack McBrayer flying towards me.



    Weird. Yes.

    Luckily, I happen to love Kenneth the Page and found it kind of amusing as it passed by.

    That was all until the other day when I was driving on the freeway, and I looked in my rear-view mirror only to see one of them CHASING ME DOWN! I sped up; but those stupid Mazdas are actually quite peppy and annoyingly fast. So there I was... each time I looked up in the rear-view mirror the clown car from hell just got closer and closer.

    Funny Kenneth the Page Car quickly turned into Kenneth the Killer Car as it raced to catch up to me (and run me off the road no doubt).


    (Snapshot from my rear-view mirror)

    So... I made a power lane change across 3 lanes and took the next exit.

    (Granted I was fairly distracted by trying to outmaneuver the the IT killer clown car that I nearly missed my own exit...) 

    If I have learned anything from being a creeper myself, it is that if you take an exit abruptly you are most likely to loose the one chasing you and make it out alive. Barely.

    Morals of the Post:
    • If I had to choose between watching Trolls II again (shudder) or to be chased down by one of these again... well lets just say, Bust out the popcorn!
    • I think this design may be Mazda's dying breath. No, really. When you see Bob Saget start doing commercials for them, welp... memba I toldja so! (tribute to Kevin)

    Tuesday, June 22, 2010

    Voice Search

    We went to the movies last night, but our show was sold out.

    So we had to find out if the same show was sold out at the other theater in the next city over before we drove clear over there just to have it be sold out again. I was given the task to call them and find out.

    I am always itching for an excuse to use my Google voice search app so I gladly accepted the challenge.

    The only problem was that I kind of had anxiety every time I had to talk and ask for the number; and since it is still a Google search I found myself stuttering out random keywords and phrases to try and be helpful but ultimately it made no sense when it all came staggering out.

    Meanwhile the poor poor Google search app tried desperately to understand what it was I was telling it to do.

    Each time I tried to explain and casually tell it what to search for I ended up sounding like some foreigner trying to explain the history of cinematography in broken english. 

    Addi: Hawk, will you find out if its sold out at the other theater?

    Me: Absolutely!

    [Fumbling around to open Google App]

    Roughly this is what came out:

    Me: Movie Theater. Time Showings. Number. Phone. Center. Cinemark. Times shown. (Pause to breathe) row seat....

    Frustrated and slightly embarrassed as Addi and Libby glance over trying to figure out what on earth I had just said; I went for attempt number two.

    Me: Movie listing number show times, cinemark. hotline... uh... assistance number? movie number. times....

    I sheepishly look over only to see in Addi and Libby's eyes the regret of giving me the assignment in the first place.

    Fail.

    Luckily I have friends that drop it and allow me some preservation of my pride and ego. Oh, wait....



    Morals of Post:
    • Stupid Google. Why don't you have mind reading apps yet?! C'mon, pull it together.
    • I'm all about going green, don't get me wrong - but at least allow me the option to use paper towels in the bathroom. All air dryers prove is that I somehow still have soap on my hands after washing, and I will almost always end up with wet marks all over my back pocket and side of my pants no matter how long I stand in front of it.

    Friday, June 11, 2010

    WebMD

    So my tongue kills.

    It feels as if I just put an entire steaming cup of 7/11 hot chocolate into my mouth and gargled it... or lapped up the water used to make the the withered carrots in Cup'o'Noodles magically explode into vibrant (or really, just slightly less withered) carrot chunks.

    That is the pain I have dealing with the past few days. I have NO recollection of eating anything hot or spicy and I am pretty sure that I don't have food allergies so here I am left. perplexed.

    I have come to two conclusions: Either I am one of those people that do crazy things while they sleepwalk and somehow one night went downstairs, boiled me up some hot water, drank it, and repeated the process fourteen times - or - clearly this is  a mystery that only WebMD can solve.

    In my pursuit of knowledge and how to get rid of this pain, I coincidentally have finally found a more dramatic writer than myself...

    Meet WebMD.

    Me: Hey WebMD whats up?

    WebMD: Hey Hawk, not feeling so hot? Tell me a little about it...

    Me: My tongue hurts.

    WebMD: Can you be more specific?

    Me: Its like I burned my whole tongue with scalding water or kinda like I have been sucking on a habenero like a cool Mentos on a hot summer's day... but I didn't; well at least I don't think I did.

    WebMD: Ahhh, yup yup, u-huh, you came to the right place; I know excactly what that is... you either have

         A.   a vitamin deficiency or

         B.   YOU HAVE AIDS!!! O..M..G.. Y O U   H  A  V  E    A  I  D  S!!!

        Me: SWEET MERCY!! SAY WHAAA?!!?!

        WebMD: Yeah, you heard me... either A. You just need a few gummy vitamins and you'll be right as rain or B. Run, no, SPRINT to the hospital right now because YOU-HAVE-FREAKIN'-AIDS!!!

        Me: [frightened and desperately clicking out of the browser that is now screaming at me]

        ---

        Really, WebMD? There couldn't possibly be a couple steps in between the two?

        You had me at hello when you diagnosed me with ADD and listed off everything that I do in life and how I think, but now I'm starting to think that you are just a wee bit dramatic.

        Morals of Post:
        •  If you want some SERIOUS paranoia I recommend hitting up WebMD and telling it how you are feeling today. Lets see what terminal illness you end up with.

        • Update: I could no longer taste Coke and eating toast nearly brought me to tears so I thought to myself... Maybe its time for a real doctor. I went to the doc and my diagnosis: stress. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! So apparently everyone has different things that happen when they get really stressed; for some its headaches, for others its perma-fire-tongue - luckily, I get to experience both.

        • I'm nearly positive I must have eaten kittens, puppies, and/or children in a past life.... that or had done something horrible to spark a chain of events that led to the Bieber epidemic. Either or, I think this is my punishment for whatever it was I did.

        Wednesday, June 2, 2010

        Get Your Own Digeridoo!

        I have been fighting getting sick for the past week now. By all means I really should be put in a plastic bubble with limited human contact because my immune system is pretty much non-existent. I'm 96% sure it is because I'm the runt of the family.

        Don't get me wrong, I don't have it as bad as some critters in the animal kingdom where the runt not only is the most likely to get sick and die (as if that weren't enough to have to deal with) but also has the biggest threat of being eaten by a sibling or their own mother... thanks a lot "Animal Planet/Wiki/Google 'runt' search" for that unsettling tidbit and graphic visual. I'm just saying that I'm the one that can catch a cold from watching someone sneeze on TV.

        Its exhausting.

        So I found a few things from the last time that I was sick to motivate me to keep popping vitamin C's like sixlets. If you don't know what a sixlet is I am literally mourning over the fact that you had no childhood.

        The last time I got sick I was pummeled to the ground by Strep Throat. Hell. Pure Hell. There is no adequate way to describe how horrible strep throat is; a picture is worth a thousand words and well... I think this pretty much sums it up.


        Meet my 'happy place' basket.

        The only time that I would crawl out of bed with comatose swagger was to visit this little guy. Which also happened to be the reason behind the crazy dreams I was having when I actually did catch some z's.

        I also found a tribute that I had written while home sick:
          
        My "Pro and Con" Ode to Strep Throat...

        CON
        Spending Valentines at an InstaCare with someone shoving a tongue depressor down my throat. Not quite the kind of action I was looking for on Valentines Day...

        PRO
        15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

        CON
        Five Day Fever.

        PRO
        15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

        CON
        Waking up at 12:33 a.m., 1:45 a.m., 3:27 a.m.,  4:13 a.m.,
        6:00 a.m.,  etc... every day.

        PRO
        15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

        CON
        Having the Angel of Death as a new roommate.

        PRO
        15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

        CON
        Spending a three day weekend curled
        up in bed.

        PRO
        15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

        CON
        50 bones donated to Theraflu, Nyquill,
        and prescriptions...

        PRO
        15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours


        Moral of Post:
        • When you wake up in a cold sweat wondering if Angelina Jolie really did just steal a digeridoo from you in the middle of an IKEA parking lot, maybe you should cut back on the frequency of visits to your happy basket. Hypothetically speaking of course.

        Friday, May 28, 2010

        Once a Carni... Always a Carni

        The other night we went to Cirque du Soliel's Alegria show.

        I have two words: Incredible and Depressing.

        Don't get me wrong; that's not to be mistaken with 'incredibly depressing'

        May I expound...

        Incredible:

        This was my first ever Cirque du Soleil experience; and that's exactly what it was... a complete experience. My mind was blown.

        They were doing things up there that:

              A. I wouldn't do even if I had a safety net beneath me.
              B. My body probably couldn't  do even if I wanted to try.
              C. Gave me anxiety just watching.

        So, I learned that in order to actually be in Cirque du Soleil you must:
        1. Have impeccable balance. You must be able to balance all of your body weight upside down while on one hand and moving your legs from side to side making it seem like it is easiest thing to come along since the hot pocket.

        2. Have a nineteen pack. Yeah, you heard me. These people were frighteningly in shape.

        3. Be able to do acrobatic moves on the ground and in the air without running into the person who coincidentally is headed straight for you also flipping and turning while somehow knowing exactly whats in front of them. Unnatural. Unnerving.
        Depressing:

        When you walk away from the show, this is what you realize:
        1. I count it a success and a good balance day when I don't accidentally run into a wall; or when I'm walking next to someone and they don't ask me to walk at least two feet away from them so I don't keep bumping into them.

        2. I may be in shape; but where on earth do you get a nineteen pack?! Do you have to apply for one?

        3. My gymnast friend Jacob once tried to teach me how to do flips in the air... the only thing stopping me however was the fact that my fluidity and coordination is akin to that of seahorse in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Lots of room for improvement. So as a break from the big stuff he tried to teach me how to do a ninja flip (a cartwheel with no hands [I'm well aware that this maneuver has a real name, but 'ninja flip' sounds a lot more butch... so I'm sticking with it]).

          So there I was in the middle of the air executing the stealthy (yet deadly) ninja flip when I hear a alamingly loud riiiiiiippppp ....pppppp ...ppp ..pppppp ....ipipipip ...ppppp ...... thud! Only to have landed on the ground (side first) becoming fully aware that not only have I completely failed my ninja kick attempt but have simultaneously blown out the crotch of my pants. A continual tare that starts at the zipper and continues about 6-8 inches on both sides of each pant leg.

          As a result I spent the rest of the time hiding my fair to moderately breezy pants behind a giant potted plant until everyone was ready to leave. Rest assured, my friends milked that one for all it was worth.
        Morals of Post:
        • Needless to say I wont be joining the Cirque du Soleil touring troupe any time soon.

        • Hate to kick a dead horse, but nineteen pack?! Really?! How the..?!

        • Word to the wise; never attempt anything that may look ninja-ish in your jeans. You will severely regret your decision. You have been warned.

          Saturday, May 22, 2010

          Bra Secrets


          Today Shannee covered herself in salsa while wearing a new white shirt. This is inevitable. She is the saddest/messiest eater I have ever known. This girl might as well put the food on her before she attempts to eat it, just to get that step out of the way. It truly is an incredible talent she possesses.

          After the salsa incident...

          Shannee: Dah, I'm going to invent one of those Tide Stain Remover stick thingies that you can hide in your bra...

          [Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

          Shannee: (more agitated) for messy girls like me...

          [Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

          Shannee: (louder and angrier) agh, this is  such b.s.

          [Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

          Shannee: (defeated) Why does this always happen to me?! I AM A GOOD PERSON.

          Morals of Post:
          • Dear Shannee,
                                      Maybe you're not.

          •  I am perplexed at this 'hidden Tide stain removing pen in the bra' concept... Is this not the sole purpose of why girls have purses in the first place?! What are the qualifications for things being hidden in a bra as opposed to things which are demoted to being carried around in a regular ol' purse?

            Confused. Yet, intrigued.

          Thursday, May 20, 2010

          Creepin' on the Freeway

          So I'm a little ashamed to admit that I watched Aladdin tonight...

          Don't get me wrong; I'm not ashamed that the movie was Aladdin - but more so ashamed of the fact that I watched it through the glass of an SUV on the freeway for about 30 minutes on my way home tonight.

          There was a ton of construction on the freeway and as I was passing this SUV I noticed there was a movie playing in the backseat. When I got to the side of it I realized it was Aladdin, and if you are going to be stuck in construction traffic you might as well have something to keep you entertained; am I right or am I right?! So naturally, I pulled back and started following them.

          The movie was great. Also, riddle me this... since when did they start installing HD televisions in cars?! Pretty sure that thing had a clearer picture than my TV at home. I was tempted to pull to the side and ask them to roll down the windows and turn up the sound so I could at least hear what was going on, but then I thought beggars can't be choosers so respectfully declined that urge. Instead, I played a little game... see what songs on my cd would match what was happening on the screen. I had a lot of misses until the fight seen with Aladdin and Jafar and Kids with Guns by the Gorillaz came on. I counted it as a moderate success...

          I may or may not have gotten a little too invested in the movie because when we got out of the construction zone and everyone else was speeding up and passing by; I lagged behind the SUV clearly disobeying the 3 second distance rule to what some might call a creepy degree.

          I upheld my creeper status as I would speed up when they would speed up and change lanes following them when they were obviously trying to loose me. I would have given a friendly flash of my brights to tell them gently to knock it off and let me enjoy my movie, had the memory of that urban legend of if you bright someone they come after you and run you off the road not popped into my head - I don't think it was paranoia - just playing it safe.

          It was almost the end of the movie when Jafar is a Genie and by now I was completely into this thing... unfortunately the SUV made its way over to the exit lane and I had an internal conflict whether to follow them or not. I figured by this point the family had 9 and 1 already punched into their cellphone and were just waiting to see if I was going to follow them off the off-ramp before pressing the other 1. Since I have already maxed my ticket/pull over quota for the year, I reluctantly let them slip out of sight and into the darkness.

          I still don't know if I made the right decision.

          Morals of the Post:
          • If you are going to distract everyone on the road with a clearly visible motion picture in your vehicle then don't be all creeped out when people get all up in your grill to get a good seat. Quit being selfish.
          • I swear I don't know how a Gorillaz song got on my cd; so stop judging me.

          Sunday, May 16, 2010

          How to Grow Old in Style

          I saw this the other night; after searching high and low, I finally found it so I could share it with ya'll. (And yes, it paused at a really awkward frame... so just push play already.)



          Is it just me or is silver streamer somewhat anti-climatic after having an elf spring at you going top speeds?! I think they digressed a little on that one.

          I beleive there are a whole lot of other things that they could have launched to make Betty White flinch for sure. You know what I think they should have shot out of that cannon... Justin Bieber.  Really.  I think they could have killed two birds with one stone had they gone that route (moderate pun intended) - but hey, that's just me. 

          Morals of Post:
          • Betty White makes getting old seem bearable.  I have a legitimate fear of growing old but I figure if I can somehow end up on commercials, movies, TV shows, and making A LOT of money while I'm at it when I get that old... I will be just fine.

          • If anyone was offended by the Bieber comment, maybe you should be shot out of the cannon next. Just sayin.

          • If anyone knows how to adopt this woman as a grandma please contact me.

            Wednesday, May 12, 2010

            Series of Unfortunate Events

            I went to a dinner party last night at Addison's where Amy, Addi's childhood friend from Minnesota, started telling us about her 16th birthday party. It was a Fear Factor themed party. She had invited her closest friends to her birthday party to compete in a series of challenges Fear Factor style. The winner would be awarded 50 bucks, "and when you are sixteen, 50 bucks is like a million dollars!" so everyone was in it to win it.

            So here is a run down of the events:

            The first challenge - Peep Madness! Each person had a minute to eat as many marshmallow peeps as they possibly could without water. Mostly everyone could only handle 11 or 12 peeps but the winner somehow downed 25 peeps - Meanwhile, Amy's friend Cassie turned to her and dramatically told her that she would never eat another peep again....   5 minutes later (and throughout the rest of the night) Cassie could be found popping down all the left over peeps like they were Tic Tacs or skittles.

            After a series of other Fear Factor challenges and running around doing obstacle courses, the final challenge was to eat a piece of cold boiled pig's brain on a saltine cracker. Whoever could do it would be the the new proud owner of 50 bones.

            Beforehand, Amy and Addi hatched some horrible plan to not eat anything before or at the party so they wouldn't get too full. Their logic, "The peeps are going to expand in our stomachs so we can't eat anything or else we'll be too full to eat for the other challenges."

            So it is Amy's turn to eat the pig brain, who mind you, has been running around all day long doing obstacle courses and jumping on the trampoline with nothing more than a few shots of soda and about 12 peeps in her system. Needless to say Amy's logic ended up being her demise as she threw up a saltine cracker and pig brains all over the table in front of 45 of her closest friends.

            Now if you thought that was a good story,  you are in for a treat -  That was just the intro! Our real story is about Cassie; and follows her home from the party.

            When Cassie got home that night from the party she was struggling with cramps and popped a Midol to try and get rid of the pain. A little while later she still hurt really bad and took a couple Tylenol. She still didn't feel any better and took a few Ibuprofen, a while later - two more of something else. It was at this point that she actually started feeling a lot worse and realized that she may have actually just overdosed. So she told her parents about the situation and her dad rushed her to the emergency room where they had to pump her stomach.

            For those of you unfamiliar with the standard stomach pump procedure; they are required to sort through content and list it all on a form. So while Cassie and her dad were waiting in one of the rooms the doctor came in and turned to Cassie's dad and told him she would be okay but he wanted to make the father aware of stomach content that he had discovered,

            "Well, it looks like there were about 4 slices of pizza, 48 peeps, and... " The doctor turned to Cassie,

            "...was that cow's brain?!"  - Wide-eyed, the dad turned to Cassie and asked, "W-h-a-t  were you doing at the Wilson's?!"

            The kicker of the whole episode was that Cassie went home with a pamphlet that the doctor gave her about the dangers of Mad Cow Disease...

            I would have paid good money to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.  I can only imagine the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that peeps now play in Cassie's life.  She must have a fairly large bottle of Xanax just to get through Easter.

            Poor thing.

            Morals of the Post:
            • Reason number 4,395 why I will never eat a peep.

            • Themed birthday parties are nothing short of incredible. Why do we not have more of them!? I guess this gives me 352 days to plan my next one... Reality TV themes (as proven above) are GOLDEN...

              So I think my next party will be a Bachelor/SYTYCD/Biggest Loser/Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew/From G's to Gents/Hell's Kitchen/Survivor/Project Runway/ and Dancing With the Stars themed extravaganza with a dash of Jersey Shore...

              Granted, I would have to actually watch an episode of any of these shows to know anything of whats going on... so the details of how to pull it all together are a little hazy; but rest assured there is one thing I can say with confidence - It will be epic.

              You are all invited.

            Monday, May 10, 2010

            Cobra Upgrade

            At work I had a ton of letters to open and I couldn't find the letter opener that I always use (correction: the letter opener was just out of reach and I was too lazy to get up and walk clear over to the other side of the counter to get it...) So, I looked around and found a new letter opener and thought I would just use that instead - thank you universe.

            3 minutes pass...

            If you put an envelope between a starved bear on meth and fresh salmon, I think that is a fairly accurate depiction of what the envelope and letter looked like when I was finished with it.

            Jenn:   What are you doing?!
            Me:      Do yo know how to use this letter opener? I can't figure it out.
            Jenn:   [ look of disbelief ]
                        Hawk, that's a staple remover.
                   
            ... painful, painful silence


            Last time I checked, staple removers looked like giant snapping cobra teeth not letter openers.

            Dear staple remover manufacturers,
                      I would like to subscribe to your newsletter; so that when you make such a radical (and unnecessary) change I wont feel like such an idiot when I'm apparently the only one unaware of the new design; and you can stop embarrassing me in front of my friends.

            Morals of Post:
            • Kids, stick with things you are good at. If you try new things you will most likely fail, be humiliated, and get laughed at. Simultaneously.

            • "Laziness is a secret ingredient that goes into failure. But it’s only kept a secret from the person who fails.”
              –Robert Half

              Shut up, Rob.

            • "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that wont work."
              - Thomas Edison
              I knew I liked him for a reason...

            Thursday, May 6, 2010

            F Is For Full Frontal... And Friends

            I am NOT a morning person...

            In fact, that is an understatement - right when I wake up in the morning pretty much all I want to do is kill unicorns and suck the color out of rainbows until there is nothing left but cold gray arched carcasses...

            I wish I were being dramatic.

            I don't get it - every single morning it is the same routine; I wake up all sorts of confused and I have no idea where my body is; meanwhile, I am simultaneously faced with the panicked feeling of being slammed back into reality. Completely unable to tell what was part of my dream I just got ripped out of and what is real life. Bad news bears.

            So, in an act to try and counterbalance morning me, the first thing I do is grab my phone, turn on some 'You Make My Dreams' by Hall and Oates music and search all my apps for something that will put me in a good mood.

            Well ladies and gents, today I found the jackpot; finally a remedy for extreme morning anger... I may or may not have watched this 17 1/2 times before I even got out of bed this morning.



            I don't know if it is:
            • the inspiring message of hope and counsel for future generations
            • the ultra feminine bass voice
            • the mad dance break between I and J
            • the neon alphabet ever-present in the background
            • that dress
            • the successful transplant of Mr. Ed's teeth into a human being
            • the fact that 'sexy' is also similar to crouching down to scare someone, shoveling, or a beginners pilates stance.
            • the realization that yes, x truly is mysterious
            • the special way that claustrophobia gets her hands to dance
            • or those sexy skeleton legs that just don't quit...
            I think graphics were just being invented around this time so I really appreciate the effort of the floating/scrolling letters.

            Also, I'm fairly certain that 1:30 - 2:00 is pretty much what it looks like right before the Grim Reaper comes to take you away...

            I hope this changes lives. I know it has mine.

            Morals of the Post:
            • Naturally M is for me and N is for NEVER AGAIN!
            • It is about quality not quantity, isn't it.
            • If we learn anything from the 70's let it be that if you get tired in the middle of your music video... go ahead, lie down - you can shimmy just as well on the ground as you can standing up. Thank you Amanda Lear. Thank you.

            Thursday, April 22, 2010

            You Don't Suck

            Do you ever have one of those days when you are having a mild to moderately frustrating day and instead of getting a little sympathy from anyone, you just get slapped repeatedly in the face from the universe telling you to suck it up...

            Case in point:

            I was having such a day and thought I'd go emotionally eat lunch at my favorite pizza joint. I got a drink, grabbed a straw, and headed to work. When I got to work I unwrapped my straw and this is what I got...


            Really?

            Two things are happening here; anger and disappointment.

            • Anger: What the?! My straw is actually sealed shut?! In all the straws that I have opened in my lifetime I have never been greeted by a defect before; you can't help but to take it personally. Especially when you are now nowhere near a backup straw - you are then forced to move the cup all the way to your mouth and have no choice but to pour the drink down your gullet like a Neanderthal... ugh, effort.
            • Disappointment: If you are going to package me a straw that should belong on the island of misfit toys then don't add salt to the wound by making it look like a Pixy Stick that someone has sucked all the sugar out of... have I not suffered enough?
            Moral of the Post:
            • I feel an angry letter to the straw people coming on... so when ya'll see 'inspected by 26c' imprinted on your next straw and no longer have to hold your breath every time you open a straw wrapper to see if you get nothing more than a nub... you'll know who to thank.

            Friday, April 16, 2010

            Monkey See, Monkey Do

            So there I am, walking down the sidewalk minding my business when I look up and see a giant gorilla running towards me.

            Panic.

            Most people are familiar with the fight or flight adrenaline rush; where, when a gorilla is running at you - you either are all pumped up to run away from the gorilla at high speeds or your brain sends you a surge of power to beat the gorilla down in a sudden-death showdown. I however fall under a slightly less recognized category which includes 'Fight, Flight, or Fade Out' where my adrenaline shot has more of a tense up and pass out effect.

            I'll illustrate this for you - lets say I am walking in the woods alone and a ravenous pack of wolves appear out of nowhere... my brain assesses the situation:

            a.) I could employ the flight mode and have this kid start running away, but who are we kidding - he has practically no legs and would probably make it to the next tree before the wolves eat him alive. Flight - Abort.

            b.) I could employ the fight mode and give him super-strength, but there are like 48 wolves and really, what is he going to do? Bite back harder for every time he gets bitten? You can only bite so many wolves before the ultimate scenario is that of the previous point. Fight - Abort.

            c.) Lets get real, this kid is going to be eaten alive no matter how we play this, so I might as well make him freeze up, pass out, and send him to a happy place while we get this over quick. He wont even know what hit him. Fade Out....

            Thanks brain.

            It is something that I've dealt with my whole life. Although its not the most conventional leap in evolution, I find some comfort in the fact that I am not the only who's emergency go-to strategy is 'fade out'.



            There you have it. My closest link in evolution is a group of nervous stiff-legged fainting goats. How reassuring.

            Anyways, back to the gorilla. There I am, walking all innocent-like down the sidewalk when the giant gorilla comes charging at me. True to form, I tense up and my feet and hands start to tingle and my brain is trying to decide if it should shut down now, or if it should wait til I can see the whites of its eyes before I pass out.

            Meanwhile, the gorilla charged up to me, gave me a banana, and then ran right on past me.

            ?!?

            Still in a little bit of shock, I look down to see the banana was attached to a brochure telling me how nice so and so apartments are. Wow. An apartment complex nearly got me to pass out in public via a giant gorilla. Yeah, don't worry - I'm still just as confused.

            Here is a picture of said gorilla.


            In my defense - this 'gorilla' looks more like something out of Predator than something you would find at San Diego Zoo... So I'm pretty sure you would've freaked out too.

            Moral of the Post:
            • Guerrilla Marketing - Definition: 'Type of marketing performed on a low budget and a lot of creativity to generate buzz to leave the consumer with the brand in mind.'
            • Gorilla Marketing - LITERALLY having someone dress up as a gorilla and chase people down in an attempt to scare them into signing an apartment contract and causing an overwhelming sense of paranoia to follow them around for the rest of the day.

            Monday, April 5, 2010

            Dear April...


            ... I really don't appreciate this. Lets drop the whole December complex that you have going on right now while also being quite possibly the most emo month ever by selfishly making everyone super depressed and sad. If you want to snow, take it to Alaska or Canada... or somewhere where they have lighboxes and/or ample medication to get through dark, cold, and depressing months.

            To all those feeling S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) above is a link where you can find a few helpful products to get you through the worst spring ever made. Lovin' me some Light 'on the go' Therapy Visor.

            Moral of the Post:
            • If you are going to go with the Therapy Visor you may conquer being S.A.D but may find yourself even more real-life sad when you realize no one will want to be your friend while you wear it. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

            Friday, March 26, 2010

            Do What?!

            I find irony in the fact that although I do not drink nor do drugs I have been pulled over 3 times for suspicion of driving under the influence and once for - and I quote - 'dope' usage and driving (and no officer, kids aren't calling it that these days)

            I'm not really quite sure how that relates to the quality of my driving but none the less it makes for some pretty good stories. In light of my recent ticket, I thought I'd do a little series of my favorite run ins with the law and pull over stories. Today's gem:

            Birthday Pull Over:

            This is hands down the creepiest pull over experience I have ever had. I had just finished having dinner with some friends in La Jolla and was driving back to the house to have dessert with the crew and on my way home I came to a light - let me just interject for a moment and tell you just how ridiculous California is for having 19 different lights going on at the same time per traffic light. Its just plain confusing. You have four arrows that are all different colors going different directions, that mixed with my slight (and debatable) red/green color blindness all combined together, it quickly became the recipe for what led to my pull over rendezvous . I turned left, on what I could have sworn was a green light, and it just happened to pull right in front of a cop who apparently thought otherwise.

            The cop came up to my car and asked where I was headed, without thinking or being able to stop myself I blurted out, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY." Two words: word vomit. Don't ask... I really have no idea why out of thousands of things I could have said that is what I chose. Not really a highlight in my rhetoric career.

            The cop, clearly not impressed, stuck out his hand in front of me and told me to blow into his hand. Excuse me? What the?! I think my facial expression expressed my confusion and he repeated, "Blow into my hand."

            Still in shock of what he had just asked me to do I awkwardly blew into his hand like I was blowing into a straw. He cut me off and repeated with a little more edge in his voice, "No, blow into my hand." Still confused I thought, What does he think I'm doing?!

            So I puckered up and blew my imaginary straw even harder.

            After round two the officer had a look in his eye that made it very clear he wanted to taze me... and then it clicked, "Ohhhhh, he wants me to breathe into his hand. Like a little homemade breathalyzer test!" For some reason I was pretty excited that I had finally figured out the great 'blow in my hand' mystery - maybe a little too excited - and told the cop, "Oh, [awkward laugh] you mean breathe in your hand! Got it! Can I try again?"

            I'm pretty sure that cop was left bewildered to the fact that he had someone pulled over that was drunk off his rocker, making NO sense, and unable to perform basic tasks - yet had not a drop of alcohol on his breathe.

            He looked at my information and also checked to see if it really was my birthday and finally told me I could go. As he was leaving he looked in the back of my car and saw all of the balloons in the backseat -- Flashback - Earlier that morning I had found that my friends had filled my car completely with balloons to which I had a hay day popping them all, but didn't have time to clean up the mess and left them all in my car. So my car was utterly filled with latex carcasses of destroyed birthday balloons. (which in his defense probably looked like a whole lotta paraphernalia of sorts) -- and whipped right back to my window and asked, "and this?!' once again, word vomit "Birthday." I said sheepishly. No reply, just the most suspicious look I've ever received and/or will ever receive in my life.

            I really have no idea how I got off the hook that night and didn't get carried off to jail for further drug testing, but to be fair this all could have been avoided had the cop not thought before walking over to my car, "How can I be the creepiest cop ever and make this the most uncomfortable pull over in history of law enforcement?" Hats off to you officer... I think you made a new record.

            Morals of the Post:
            • If you thought getting pulled over makes you nervous now - just wait til something like this happens to you. Experiences like these I'm nearly certain are what lead to future high-speed chases where the person might have pretty valid reasons to not pull over for a cop.

            • When it is your birthday, play the 'birthday' card to its fullest extent. Sky's the limit. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results.

            Remember when..