Thursday, April 22, 2010

You Don't Suck

Do you ever have one of those days when you are having a mild to moderately frustrating day and instead of getting a little sympathy from anyone, you just get slapped repeatedly in the face from the universe telling you to suck it up...

Case in point:

I was having such a day and thought I'd go emotionally eat lunch at my favorite pizza joint. I got a drink, grabbed a straw, and headed to work. When I got to work I unwrapped my straw and this is what I got...


Two things are happening here; anger and disappointment.

  • Anger: What the?! My straw is actually sealed shut?! In all the straws that I have opened in my lifetime I have never been greeted by a defect before; you can't help but to take it personally. Especially when you are now nowhere near a backup straw - you are then forced to move the cup all the way to your mouth and have no choice but to pour the drink down your gullet like a Neanderthal... ugh, effort.
  • Disappointment: If you are going to package me a straw that should belong on the island of misfit toys then don't add salt to the wound by making it look like a Pixy Stick that someone has sucked all the sugar out of... have I not suffered enough?
Moral of the Post:
  • I feel an angry letter to the straw people coming on... so when ya'll see 'inspected by 26c' imprinted on your next straw and no longer have to hold your breath every time you open a straw wrapper to see if you get nothing more than a nub... you'll know who to thank.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Monkey See, Monkey Do

So there I am, walking down the sidewalk minding my business when I look up and see a giant gorilla running towards me.


Most people are familiar with the fight or flight adrenaline rush; where, when a gorilla is running at you - you either are all pumped up to run away from the gorilla at high speeds or your brain sends you a surge of power to beat the gorilla down in a sudden-death showdown. I however fall under a slightly less recognized category which includes 'Fight, Flight, or Fade Out' where my adrenaline shot has more of a tense up and pass out effect.

I'll illustrate this for you - lets say I am walking in the woods alone and a ravenous pack of wolves appear out of nowhere... my brain assesses the situation:

a.) I could employ the flight mode and have this kid start running away, but who are we kidding - he has practically no legs and would probably make it to the next tree before the wolves eat him alive. Flight - Abort.

b.) I could employ the fight mode and give him super-strength, but there are like 48 wolves and really, what is he going to do? Bite back harder for every time he gets bitten? You can only bite so many wolves before the ultimate scenario is that of the previous point. Fight - Abort.

c.) Lets get real, this kid is going to be eaten alive no matter how we play this, so I might as well make him freeze up, pass out, and send him to a happy place while we get this over quick. He wont even know what hit him. Fade Out....

Thanks brain.

It is something that I've dealt with my whole life. Although its not the most conventional leap in evolution, I find some comfort in the fact that I am not the only who's emergency go-to strategy is 'fade out'.

There you have it. My closest link in evolution is a group of nervous stiff-legged fainting goats. How reassuring.

Anyways, back to the gorilla. There I am, walking all innocent-like down the sidewalk when the giant gorilla comes charging at me. True to form, I tense up and my feet and hands start to tingle and my brain is trying to decide if it should shut down now, or if it should wait til I can see the whites of its eyes before I pass out.

Meanwhile, the gorilla charged up to me, gave me a banana, and then ran right on past me.


Still in a little bit of shock, I look down to see the banana was attached to a brochure telling me how nice so and so apartments are. Wow. An apartment complex nearly got me to pass out in public via a giant gorilla. Yeah, don't worry - I'm still just as confused.

Here is a picture of said gorilla.

In my defense - this 'gorilla' looks more like something out of Predator than something you would find at San Diego Zoo... So I'm pretty sure you would've freaked out too.

Moral of the Post:
  • Guerrilla Marketing - Definition: 'Type of marketing performed on a low budget and a lot of creativity to generate buzz to leave the consumer with the brand in mind.'
  • Gorilla Marketing - LITERALLY having someone dress up as a gorilla and chase people down in an attempt to scare them into signing an apartment contract and causing an overwhelming sense of paranoia to follow them around for the rest of the day.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Dear April...

... I really don't appreciate this. Lets drop the whole December complex that you have going on right now while also being quite possibly the most emo month ever by selfishly making everyone super depressed and sad. If you want to snow, take it to Alaska or Canada... or somewhere where they have lighboxes and/or ample medication to get through dark, cold, and depressing months.

To all those feeling S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) above is a link where you can find a few helpful products to get you through the worst spring ever made. Lovin' me some Light 'on the go' Therapy Visor.

Moral of the Post:
  • If you are going to go with the Therapy Visor you may conquer being S.A.D but may find yourself even more real-life sad when you realize no one will want to be your friend while you wear it. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

Remember when..