Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Voice Search

We went to the movies last night, but our show was sold out.

So we had to find out if the same show was sold out at the other theater in the next city over before we drove clear over there just to have it be sold out again. I was given the task to call them and find out.

I am always itching for an excuse to use my Google voice search app so I gladly accepted the challenge.

The only problem was that I kind of had anxiety every time I had to talk and ask for the number; and since it is still a Google search I found myself stuttering out random keywords and phrases to try and be helpful but ultimately it made no sense when it all came staggering out.

Meanwhile the poor poor Google search app tried desperately to understand what it was I was telling it to do.

Each time I tried to explain and casually tell it what to search for I ended up sounding like some foreigner trying to explain the history of cinematography in broken english. 

Addi: Hawk, will you find out if its sold out at the other theater?

Me: Absolutely!

[Fumbling around to open Google App]

Roughly this is what came out:

Me: Movie Theater. Time Showings. Number. Phone. Center. Cinemark. Times shown. (Pause to breathe) row seat....

Frustrated and slightly embarrassed as Addi and Libby glance over trying to figure out what on earth I had just said; I went for attempt number two.

Me: Movie listing number show times, cinemark. hotline... uh... assistance number? movie number. times....

I sheepishly look over only to see in Addi and Libby's eyes the regret of giving me the assignment in the first place.


Luckily I have friends that drop it and allow me some preservation of my pride and ego. Oh, wait....

Morals of Post:
  • Stupid Google. Why don't you have mind reading apps yet?! C'mon, pull it together.
  • I'm all about going green, don't get me wrong - but at least allow me the option to use paper towels in the bathroom. All air dryers prove is that I somehow still have soap on my hands after washing, and I will almost always end up with wet marks all over my back pocket and side of my pants no matter how long I stand in front of it.

Friday, June 11, 2010


So my tongue kills.

It feels as if I just put an entire steaming cup of 7/11 hot chocolate into my mouth and gargled it... or lapped up the water used to make the the withered carrots in Cup'o'Noodles magically explode into vibrant (or really, just slightly less withered) carrot chunks.

That is the pain I have dealing with the past few days. I have NO recollection of eating anything hot or spicy and I am pretty sure that I don't have food allergies so here I am left. perplexed.

I have come to two conclusions: Either I am one of those people that do crazy things while they sleepwalk and somehow one night went downstairs, boiled me up some hot water, drank it, and repeated the process fourteen times - or - clearly this is  a mystery that only WebMD can solve.

In my pursuit of knowledge and how to get rid of this pain, I coincidentally have finally found a more dramatic writer than myself...

Meet WebMD.

Me: Hey WebMD whats up?

WebMD: Hey Hawk, not feeling so hot? Tell me a little about it...

Me: My tongue hurts.

WebMD: Can you be more specific?

Me: Its like I burned my whole tongue with scalding water or kinda like I have been sucking on a habenero like a cool Mentos on a hot summer's day... but I didn't; well at least I don't think I did.

WebMD: Ahhh, yup yup, u-huh, you came to the right place; I know excactly what that is... you either have

     A.   a vitamin deficiency or

     B.   YOU HAVE AIDS!!! O..M..G.. Y O U   H  A  V  E    A  I  D  S!!!

      Me: SWEET MERCY!! SAY WHAAA?!!?!

      WebMD: Yeah, you heard me... either A. You just need a few gummy vitamins and you'll be right as rain or B. Run, no, SPRINT to the hospital right now because YOU-HAVE-FREAKIN'-AIDS!!!

      Me: [frightened and desperately clicking out of the browser that is now screaming at me]


      Really, WebMD? There couldn't possibly be a couple steps in between the two?

      You had me at hello when you diagnosed me with ADD and listed off everything that I do in life and how I think, but now I'm starting to think that you are just a wee bit dramatic.

      Morals of Post:
      •  If you want some SERIOUS paranoia I recommend hitting up WebMD and telling it how you are feeling today. Lets see what terminal illness you end up with.

      • Update: I could no longer taste Coke and eating toast nearly brought me to tears so I thought to myself... Maybe its time for a real doctor. I went to the doc and my diagnosis: stress. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! So apparently everyone has different things that happen when they get really stressed; for some its headaches, for others its perma-fire-tongue - luckily, I get to experience both.

      • I'm nearly positive I must have eaten kittens, puppies, and/or children in a past life.... that or had done something horrible to spark a chain of events that led to the Bieber epidemic. Either or, I think this is my punishment for whatever it was I did.

      Wednesday, June 2, 2010

      Get Your Own Digeridoo!

      I have been fighting getting sick for the past week now. By all means I really should be put in a plastic bubble with limited human contact because my immune system is pretty much non-existent. I'm 96% sure it is because I'm the runt of the family.

      Don't get me wrong, I don't have it as bad as some critters in the animal kingdom where the runt not only is the most likely to get sick and die (as if that weren't enough to have to deal with) but also has the biggest threat of being eaten by a sibling or their own mother... thanks a lot "Animal Planet/Wiki/Google 'runt' search" for that unsettling tidbit and graphic visual. I'm just saying that I'm the one that can catch a cold from watching someone sneeze on TV.

      Its exhausting.

      So I found a few things from the last time that I was sick to motivate me to keep popping vitamin C's like sixlets. If you don't know what a sixlet is I am literally mourning over the fact that you had no childhood.

      The last time I got sick I was pummeled to the ground by Strep Throat. Hell. Pure Hell. There is no adequate way to describe how horrible strep throat is; a picture is worth a thousand words and well... I think this pretty much sums it up.

      Meet my 'happy place' basket.

      The only time that I would crawl out of bed with comatose swagger was to visit this little guy. Which also happened to be the reason behind the crazy dreams I was having when I actually did catch some z's.

      I also found a tribute that I had written while home sick:
      My "Pro and Con" Ode to Strep Throat...

      Spending Valentines at an InstaCare with someone shoving a tongue depressor down my throat. Not quite the kind of action I was looking for on Valentines Day...

      15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

      Five Day Fever.

      15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

      Waking up at 12:33 a.m., 1:45 a.m., 3:27 a.m.,  4:13 a.m.,
      6:00 a.m.,  etc... every day.

      15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

      Having the Angel of Death as a new roommate.

      15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

      Spending a three day weekend curled
      up in bed.

      15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

      50 bones donated to Theraflu, Nyquill,
      and prescriptions...

      15 ml of LORTAB Elixir every 4-6 Hours

      Moral of Post:
      • When you wake up in a cold sweat wondering if Angelina Jolie really did just steal a digeridoo from you in the middle of an IKEA parking lot, maybe you should cut back on the frequency of visits to your happy basket. Hypothetically speaking of course.

      Remember when..