Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Text of the Week

Some texts completely make your day. This was one of them.

Morals of Post:
  • The International Paruresis Association, estimates that 17 million Americans suffer from some form of Shy Bladder Syndrome.

  • Like any best friend would do... I thought about putting together a "Shy Bladder Walk" or "Shy Bladder Marathon" for the cause; but then I thought, maybe I'll just 'Google' for a cure... results were more than I could have ever hoped for... here is an excerpt.  I dedicate this to you Addi.

    "... offers a three-day workshop for shy bladders, held monthly in cities in the United States, Canada, and Great Britain. It costs $300 to attend. The first day is a group counseling session. During the second day, attendees gorge themselves on water and then, in pairs, practice voiding in their hotel bathrooms. In this exercise, one man stands at the toilet while a partner stands a comfortable distance behind him. As the first man begins to urinate, his partner inches closer, eventually standing directly behind the man, sometimes touching or razzing him as he urinates, to re-create the feel of a busy public restroom. The closing event of the workshop, which Soifer calls the "graduation ceremony," is held in a bathroom at a train station, airport, or, occasionally, a ballpark." - Bryan Curtis; Slate Magazine

    What the... I'm pretty certain that if someone snuck up behind me at a urinal and started touching me I would be more than a little shy too (not to mention really creeped out)... but hey, that's just me.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Chili Pepper and Pie

So I have a group of friends that I met at a concert a few years ago, and due to the fact that we stood in line together in below freezing cold weather for hours - and had to huddle for warmth to keep from freezing to the sidewalk we were standing on - we became really close and have been friends since. Each have gone on their own ways these days ... Texas, India, DC, etc... but when the stars align, and we finally get together in one location; magic happens.

One star aligned night, were finally able to get together and we were trying to figure out where we wanted to go to catch up - it was getting pretty late and Lianne was having a pie craving so she suggested Village Inn (Now if you are keeping a running log of red flags in this post, this may be a good place to start.)

We pull up to Village Inn and the place is packed! Riddle me this, when in the history of time has there ever been more customers than employees at Village Inn...


Not to mention there are about 7 police vehicles parked in the parking lot, so it is safe to say that there was either a drug bust going down that we were about to walk right into, or the entire police workforce was on a doughnut break - crime can wait for ten right? So we cautiously make our way in and ask for a table. The hostess took us over to a section where there was absolutely no one and sat us down in a booth.

A little while later, out of nowhere, appears Katie* our waitress (a walking and breathing red flag) there is not enough blog space on the world wide web to adequately describe Katie but suffice it to say that on the busiest night in Village Inn's history - she is captain and master over a section with only one booth.

Turns out that every Wednesday they give out free pie with any purchase (hence the busyness) so we all ordered something little to qualify for the free pie. Oddly enough, that wasn't even the best surprise of the night.

Enter: Chili Pepper

So while our waitress is talking to us this other girl comes up and just starts shooting the breeze with us like we are old friends - now, she isn't a waitress nor had a name tag so we were all somewhat confused as to who this new mystery best friend was. When she came up to our table she pointed at me and the first words out of her mouth were, "Straight up dude, you look like Pete Wentz!" Then she proceeded to give us a personal invitation to watch her, Chili Pepper... you heard me, Chili Pepper, cage fight at the Throwdown arena. She then gave us a handwritten invitation to the fight.

May I repeat... ?!

As Chili Pepper was leaving our waitress came back and asked if we needed anything else - we said we were okay at the moment and she let out a huge sigh of relief and said - and I quote - "Good, because I really need to go take a dump." At that moment, my brain immediately hit that button where you get a 3 second replay of whatever just happened to make sure that, in fact, that did actually just happen. I looked around to Christine, Lianne, and Dave and asked, "Did I just..." "Yeah, you did..." "Ah, Okaaaay... good?"

We finally get some time to start catching up when guess who comes over to visit us again, the waitress you ask? (Afraid not... lest we forget she is still in the bathroom - and by the sound of her sigh, she might be there for a while) my friend, and yours, Chili Pepper. So Pepper, still freaked out by me looking like Wentz, comes up and asks me to do some random sequence of signs, like kissing my fingers and pounding them to my chest and throwing them back out... by this time we are trying are hardest not to laugh, but its also one of those moments that you start looking around the restaurant to see who is hiding around the corner recording you.

So naturally I oblige with the signs and she finally leaves, only to come back seonds later with a deck of cards that she wants to gift us so we could play egyptian rat screw (which I found out has another name, which I'll spare you) if we get bored. Ya know, like you do.

As Pepper left, yet again, our waitress emerged from the shadows with Dave's food. As she sat it down on the table and gave it to Dave she also manhandled all of the silverware, plates, and drink with her bathroom hands... Me, Lianne, Christine all look at each other, then at the food and silverware, then back at Dave as Christine chimed in, "Well Dave... Bon Appetit"

So just when you think it can't get any better... oh it does.

So as we are all watching Dave eat we hear a crash against the glass that is next to our booth and we look over to see Chili Pepper hanging over the edge and asking for our numbers - you know, since we are best friends and all now. Christine was about to explain that she is only visiting from Texas, but I beat her to the punch - Christine's phone was on the table so I was like, "Hmmm, Christine your phone is just right here, you can add it real quick!" Christine shot me a look as her and Pepper exchanged numbers and we assured Pepper that we would get her number from Christine later...

So we decided that this night could not conclude without a picture with Pepper so she came over and insisted that she sit in the middle so we take a pic or two and then she says that she wants one with the girls so she goes over and wedges herself in the middle of Christine and Lianne. Meanwhile, I guess Pepper was running her hands through their hair while I fumbled around trying to figure out how to work the camera.

After the photo-shoot, Pepper pulls out her phone and starts showing us her tattoo designs and top ideas of what she wants to get. The contenders are:
  • Top contender? Mushu. The dragon off of Mulan.

  • Runner Up? Ra. The all seeing eye, and I quote, "You know like the eye that is Omni-pres-sien-tal-cien-seless... [fade out mumbling]
So desperately trying to change the subject we ask about her upcoming fight and asked if it were her first one that she had done. She was like, "No, I had another big fight, it was with my ex-fiance. I won." So when Katie drifted by from who knows where (because she had already told us earlier that we were the only table that she was helping) we asked for our checks so we could get the hell out of there!

When we escaped outside we couldn't believe all that had happened and decided that 'wtf' should be the theme of all the times that we get together because every single time we do, it just gets more and more ridiculous...somehow we attract it. Finally, a group of others who are haunted by awkward as fiercely as I am.

For the next few months Christine would get all sorts of text messages from Peppa... here are just a few.

Morals of Post:
  • Magical things come out of concerts.
  • Even more magical things come out of Village Inn.
  • I love food, this we know... but no amount of free pie will ever get me to go back.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sunday Reflections

I would rather live in a communist country and be forced to labor in the Carni industry operating a tilt-a-whirl for the rest of my life than ever become a Miley Cyrus fan. 

That being said, sadly when her song is on the radio... I nod my head like yeah, and I shake my hips like yeah...

Moral of Post: 

  • Sundays are obviously for deep thinking.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Better Safe Than Sorry

I was in the grocery store when I came across this fun little scene.

The first time I walked by this woman, bless her heart, I had one of those moments where your brain is trying to assess the situation and is desperately trying to circle the item that doesn't belong. It wasn't until after I had passed her that I realized; yes, yes that grandma is wearing a helmet and yes, we are inside of a grocery store.

So naturally I had to go back to get some 'chips' in order capture the moment.

Morals of the Post:
  • Really, how dangerous is the deli meat aisle?
  • I was slightly tempted to throw a grape at her helmet (you know, just to make sure the helmet was operating properly) but then I thought to myself, 'What if that were my grandma wearing a helmet in the deli aisle... would I want someone throwing grapes at her?" After thinking about that for a minute... I realized, "My grandma would NEVER wear a helmet to the grocery store... ever." So I kinda got tempted again.

Remember when..