Friday, March 26, 2010

Do What?!

I find irony in the fact that although I do not drink nor do drugs I have been pulled over 3 times for suspicion of driving under the influence and once for - and I quote - 'dope' usage and driving (and no officer, kids aren't calling it that these days)

I'm not really quite sure how that relates to the quality of my driving but none the less it makes for some pretty good stories. In light of my recent ticket, I thought I'd do a little series of my favorite run ins with the law and pull over stories. Today's gem:

Birthday Pull Over:

This is hands down the creepiest pull over experience I have ever had. I had just finished having dinner with some friends in La Jolla and was driving back to the house to have dessert with the crew and on my way home I came to a light - let me just interject for a moment and tell you just how ridiculous California is for having 19 different lights going on at the same time per traffic light. Its just plain confusing. You have four arrows that are all different colors going different directions, that mixed with my slight (and debatable) red/green color blindness all combined together, it quickly became the recipe for what led to my pull over rendezvous . I turned left, on what I could have sworn was a green light, and it just happened to pull right in front of a cop who apparently thought otherwise.

The cop came up to my car and asked where I was headed, without thinking or being able to stop myself I blurted out, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY." Two words: word vomit. Don't ask... I really have no idea why out of thousands of things I could have said that is what I chose. Not really a highlight in my rhetoric career.

The cop, clearly not impressed, stuck out his hand in front of me and told me to blow into his hand. Excuse me? What the?! I think my facial expression expressed my confusion and he repeated, "Blow into my hand."

Still in shock of what he had just asked me to do I awkwardly blew into his hand like I was blowing into a straw. He cut me off and repeated with a little more edge in his voice, "No, blow into my hand." Still confused I thought, What does he think I'm doing?!

So I puckered up and blew my imaginary straw even harder.

After round two the officer had a look in his eye that made it very clear he wanted to taze me... and then it clicked, "Ohhhhh, he wants me to breathe into his hand. Like a little homemade breathalyzer test!" For some reason I was pretty excited that I had finally figured out the great 'blow in my hand' mystery - maybe a little too excited - and told the cop, "Oh, [awkward laugh] you mean breathe in your hand! Got it! Can I try again?"

I'm pretty sure that cop was left bewildered to the fact that he had someone pulled over that was drunk off his rocker, making NO sense, and unable to perform basic tasks - yet had not a drop of alcohol on his breathe.

He looked at my information and also checked to see if it really was my birthday and finally told me I could go. As he was leaving he looked in the back of my car and saw all of the balloons in the backseat -- Flashback - Earlier that morning I had found that my friends had filled my car completely with balloons to which I had a hay day popping them all, but didn't have time to clean up the mess and left them all in my car. So my car was utterly filled with latex carcasses of destroyed birthday balloons. (which in his defense probably looked like a whole lotta paraphernalia of sorts) -- and whipped right back to my window and asked, "and this?!' once again, word vomit "Birthday." I said sheepishly. No reply, just the most suspicious look I've ever received and/or will ever receive in my life.

I really have no idea how I got off the hook that night and didn't get carried off to jail for further drug testing, but to be fair this all could have been avoided had the cop not thought before walking over to my car, "How can I be the creepiest cop ever and make this the most uncomfortable pull over in history of law enforcement?" Hats off to you officer... I think you made a new record.

Morals of the Post:
  • If you thought getting pulled over makes you nervous now - just wait til something like this happens to you. Experiences like these I'm nearly certain are what lead to future high-speed chases where the person might have pretty valid reasons to not pull over for a cop.

  • When it is your birthday, play the 'birthday' card to its fullest extent. Sky's the limit. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results.

Blogging Tickets and Cold Soup

I got my first blog related ticket. So pretty much I think I have just jumped from novice blogger to hardcore blogger status.

I was suppose to meet with Becca and Addi for lunch the other day at a Chinese joint. I sorta slept in. The worst part is that the night before I had haggled Becca into having lunch at 11:30 instead of 2:00 because I'm pretty much starving for lunch by 10:30. I thought it was a great compromise. Unfortunately, due to not being able to sleep the night before - I definitely overslept. When I woke up I completely forgot about lunch. So I got up and sleepily started blogging and around 11:45 I got a call from Becca - panic - I told her I was nearly on my way (mostly left out the part that I had to shower and get dressed too...)

I told Becca to order my usual and I would be there before they even realized I was gone. So as I am cruising over, a cop was coming the other way over a bridge and turned his lights before I even past him. What the?! Can they even do that? I guess there is a first for everything. I quickly sent out a distress text to Becca telling her that I was just pulled over. The officer ended up giving me a ticket for 14 over, which may or may not have been pretty generous considering the fact that I was clocked going 28 over... Then he thanked me for wearing my seat belt and how much he appreciated it. Jokes on you copper, I flung my seat belt on while you were pulling your kamikaze u-turn maneuver to pull me over - Its the little victories that keep me going.

So about an hour late to lunch I finally get to the restaurant and find Addi packing my meal into a to-go box. As I was thanking him Becca informed me that he was mostly trying to cover up the tracks of how much of my fried rice he had eaten. Clever.

Also, it turns out that if you let egg drop soup completely cool before you eat it it turns into a solid. So by the time I got there I had just enough time to chew my soup, eat Addi's leftovers of my meal, and enjoy the 9 minutes of company before I had to be at work.

Moral of the Post:
  • Always wear your seat belt - but if you kind of forget and get pulled over... hurry and put it on while the cop is not looking... it may be the factor that drops your 28 to a 14.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

We've Been Friends How Long?

There seems to be a little bit of confusion out there as to who I am in the Space Mountain picture. I thought it was pretty easy to pick myself out in the picture; but when I was at work turns out that about half my coworkers picked the wrong person. Including Mel, who by the way has known me for 20+ years. Really? C'mon!

Now don't get me wrong - Addi I am not saying its bad that everyone keeps thinking I'm you, that would be an honor - I think the problem lies in the fact that in this particular picture you sorta look a little... handicap. Okay lets get real - we both do. It is definitely not a real flattering picture of either of us. (Which in our defense, the drop on that part of the ride is pretty steep and the angle that the wind must have caught our faces really didn't help much either...) and I quote, "The report found that Disney's Space Mountain is still one of the more intense rides in the area -- showing more than 3.5 Gs. " (Local 6 Reporting) - Thank you Google. So lets not forget the 3.5 G's that had a hand in the making of this picture eh? If that face were the price you had to pay to have that much fun all the time... I'd walk around all day with that face. Scaring children along the way. Killing two birds with one stone.

So to clear up any confusion - the one that looks like a rugged 33 year old ethnic man with neck issues, who's proudly displaying his Becca shirt; that's me.

For kicks, here is another great coaster pic -

Friday, March 19, 2010

And the Award Goes To...

So yesterday I took some blogging initiative and sent my blog address to some close friends to have them check it out - ya know, before I go global and all. (You hear that Coca-cola... before you see the number of Coke tabs and references go up in my blog you had better start showing the benjamins. Just sayin...)

So if you got a text yesterday, consider it like your own personal limited edition golden ticket.

Now enter my dilemma.

I know this may not be the time nor place to tell everyone to go out and get an iphone because it will change your life... but I have some pretty convincing and relevant evidence to back this up - for example:

So I sent out an invite text to Jan in the morning and about 5 hours later I get a series of texts back that say:

"What the crap... I need some soap."
"Um, you sent me to"
"Is this a joke? Cuz..."

What the?! The text that I sent to her wasn't a novel by any means and still somehow her phone decided to cut out the most important part. So now, I am in a panic that I had sent her to some site with highly racy pictures or whatever would cause her to be traumatized and need soap. Which then led to an even greater panic of what if every text that I had sent out had been cut off too and left my friends going to Hitler support blogs, or blogs of how to start your own cult, or worse yet a Rosie O'Donnell fanclub blog...


So I did a little detective work to find out all the possibilities of blogs that could have been cut off mid-link and could have been sent to friends. Just to make sure I wouldn't have to send out follow up warning texts to everyone. These are my results. I feel as if this should continue as if presenting Best Picture at the Oscars...

And the nominees are:
  • This one might win best international blog. After all it is written by the 'coolest guy in cyberspace' (love self pronounced titles) but alas... Its in Danish. and I'm sure we are all really missing out.
  • Matt, whom I'm guessing is a teenager going through the tough adolescent years, who can't spell 'the' right all the time but has definitely mastered certain 4 letter words which make up probably 78% of his blog. A moving story line with confusion, action, and drama all packed into one little blog with a hint of Croatian sass. A few of my favorite quotes:

    "My mom wants to know whats going on in my life... and I keep telling her nothing... I mean, I go to school and I go to work and then there are the nights when I go out where they think I am doing something naughty like hanging out with hardcore azn kolean gangstars, or hacking the gibson to r00t teh bawx0rs off the pentagon... I'm not that special... nor would I want to be... its not like I scream for attention or anything... "

    "I surprised I managed to fall asleep with all the noise I hear in my head..."

    I am not one to judge, but I think I'm going to have to side with the parents on this one... if I had kids I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want them to be hanging out with 'anz kolean gangstars' either. But hey, that's just me.
  • The Debbie Downer of the group... JT, a man with interests in the viewpoints that Canadians have on the US Government who also rattles off on Liberalism and Socialism in the US Government adding some of his own view points. "Ignore the fact that you have no control over what your children are taught at schools; what morals, or lack there of, are brainwashed into them."

    JT only made only two posts followed by nothing more than eerie silence. I don't want to jump to any drastic conclusions... but I 'm pretty sure JT was assassinated by liberals. Granted my assumption may be biased on the fact that 24 and the Bourne Supremacy were both on the other night, but none the less there is a lesson to be learned here... be friendly to all parties and don't make too big of waves unless you want to end up like JT... in a burlap bag at the bottom of the the Potomac River.
  • Out of all the nominees this one for sure is the least exciting. It has two posts in 2000 and both were at like 2:30 in the morning. Allow me to sum up the whole blog:

    "Mmmmmm" and "Test Test Test"

    Like I said, Boring.
  • Welcome to the Ghetto Art Gallery brought to you by Wesley McTizic III. (Please bless that this is his real name.)

    "Here is my first of many images of My wife-E....that is apart of a series of pin up art dedicated to her Ilove you BOO!!"
I think the reason that its named 'kward' is because 'awkward' was already taken.

  • We conclude with the site whose name had so much potential (who also, lest we forget, beat Wesley McTizic III to the rights of the blog name) I was more than disappointed when I opened it only to find the statement, "Boring stuff about my life...duh." and a big bold title that said JOURNAL followed by - well, go ahead click the link and I'll let you feel the dissapointment I experienced.

    I'm sorry pal but I think 'boring' was bit of an understatement.

So mystery solved. My apologies if your phone sabotaged your message and sent you to one of the sites above. Also, If you have a vote for 'best blog' of the the year from the 6 nominees above - feel free to leave it in the peanut gallery.

Morals of the Post:
  • If you don't have an iPhone yet, get one. All of this could have been avoided if...ramble, ramble, ramble...
  • All blogs were not created equal and not all blogs are good blogs. Lesson learned.
  • If you have trouble sleeping because of the 'noises' in your head - maybe protective parents are the least of your worries.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Michelin Man vs. Stay Puft

I was filling my car with gas today and while I was waiting I looked up and had a stare-down with the Michelin Tire man above the pump. By all means I should be terrified of him - when I was a kid I had a REALLY hard time with the giant angry marshmallow thing that destroyed part of New York City in Ghost-busters. Between him, the clown from IT, and a giant blue yahtzee cup with fangs - they became the key players in about 96% of reoccurring nightmares I had as a kid. I don't know if you have paid that much attention but the two are strikingly similar... lose the gut and the creepy sailor get-up and BAM - You have the Michelin Man. Unnerving.

Although I would never want to be alone in a room with the guy; I have to admit that the 'Sad Road' commercial is probably one of my favorite commercials as of late and the hero just so happens to be the Michelin Man.

Smart Advertising.

Don't get me wrong I'm not fully endorsing the man who throws chunks of his torso (maybe that is how he lost his gut from Stay Puft?!) onto your car, but I'm merely just stating that this commercial has definitely broadened my judgment of him.

Favorite Critters: The animal that starts the skipping record at the beginning. The porcupine who has scratched in the road how many days he's been stuck there, and the poor screaming creature when he thinks he's about to be hit.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hippie Children

I helped Niel Diamond today.

Not the real one though... the one whose parents were hippies and thought it'd be cool to name their kid after the artist for some sentimental reason that I'm probably a lot better off/more innocent not knowing.

I was tempted to say something - but tact got the best of me. Instead, I have had Sweet Caroline stuck in my head all day.

Thanks Neil Diamond. The both of you.

And yes, the pot IS calling the kettle black. Deal with it.

P.S. - I have helped a few peeps who's parents were hippies; I feel as though we share a brotherhood bond of sorts.

A few of my favorites so far:

- Sandy Beach
- Silver Grey Cloud
- Thunder Storm Cloud (Silver's brother)
- Sharon Smith (the man)

'Chip and Dale' not 'Chippendale'

Okay, so I made reference in my last post to wheelchairs at Disneyland, and I couldn't help but post this - it was probably the greatest day of my life. Becca's family came to visit and had never been to Disneyland before so we were going to show them the ropes of the happiest place one earth.

Now flashback - Addi, Becca and I were driving around and Becca showed us a wild picture of herself back in the day (which I'm sure she later regretted) which she had conveniently hidden from us in some red folder. Words cannot do justice to the greatness of this picture... I will see if I can get my hands on it again for your viewing pleasure.

About a week later Addi and I hatched up a brilliant idea in preparation for our Disneyland day. Recipe is as follows:

Step 1. We searched for the red folder in her room and 'borrowed' the picture
Step 2. A quick stop to Kinkos to enlarge the pic - The kid working the photo lab gave us a very judgmental look as he was helping us and I felt somewhat pressured to explain what we were doing. The conversation went a little something like this:

Me: We are making shirts. It's a pretty funny picture of our friend. Kind of a inside joke.
Kinkos Kid: It's an old picture?
Me: Yes.
Kinkos Kid: So, is she hot now?
Me: Yes.
Kinkoss Kid: Wow, that's brutal.

Step 3. Once we got out of the awkward chit chat with the Kinkos Kid with our now frighteningly large pic of Becca we went and got some iron-on transfers and got to work. We crafted the shirts while Becca was at work as everyone else else offered warnings of "She is going to kill you guys."

Look down, now look back up. Where are you? You're at Disneyland -

When we paid for parking the lady instructed us to park in the Chip and Dale section. I look over and see that Becca had the most confused/speechless look on her face. I laughed and told her the lady said the 'Chip and Dale' section not the 'Chippendale' section and that this wasn't 'that' kind of park. I knew it was going to be an awesome day and we hadn't even made it to the parking lot yet.

When we got out of the car Addi and I explained how in order to get the full Disneyland experience you have to wear matching shirts so you don't loose each other in the park and we pulled out the 'Becca Shirts' for everyone wear. I think Becca's mom was the most excited about it. Luckily, Becca didn't want to kill us rather she was impressed that we were able to pull it off and keep it a secret from her for so long.

The day kept getting better everywhere we went we would pass EVERYONE and go straight to the front of the line... some rides even have secret elevators to the front of the line. I haven't been that close to feeling like a star at Disneyland since Seal threw away a wrapper in the garbage can I was sitting on when I was seven. Awesome.

Each of the rides that take your picture we would proudly display our Becca Shirts so that she would be immortalized in all the pictures.

Becca's mom didn't love Space Mountain so much. When we got off the ride she was silent and her eyes were huge. Becca's dad told us that he was having fun until he looked over and and saw how petrified his wife was and that he had to keep looking over to make sure she was still alive throughout the ride. All of us kind of wanted to go again but the line was really long (warning: by reading on you hereby agree not to judge us) so we tried to convince her mom that it was a fun ride and she should give it another shot and that it gets better the second time. She didn't buy it. So we waited in line as she recovered. Man, you really take that wheelchair for granted when the second time you ride you actually see how long those lines are and how many chains keep you from the time of your life. Especially when you have ADD and its hard enough to wait in line at a drive-thru.

After the ride we thought we would tone it down and let Becca's mom recover, so we hit up the submarine ride. I somehow remember the submarine ride being... a little more fun. When you get in you are sitting in these tiny tiny seats which were made for kids - or Asians, and you sit in the dark for about 40% of the ride. While we were submerged and in the dark I felt something jab into my eye, I yelped and Becca told me to calm down - turns out she was bored and wondered if she could poke me in the eye in the dark on the first shot. Success. By the time we we were out of the pitch black I looked over and saw Becca clawing at the window trying to escape the l o n g e s t ride ever. It was somewhat reassuring to see that someone's ADD was worse than mine.

When hunger overcame all of us we ate at some Mardi Gras place for lunch. As the waitress seated us she commented on Becca's Mom's shirt "I like your shirt, is that you?" Like a bullet out of a gun, I have never heard someone reply with 'no' faster than her mom did - and I grew up with the Safety Kids "Just say no" tapes... that's saying something.

The day was magical - Hearts were touched, lives were changed, dreams were realized... So as we departed that night surrounded by crying and screaming children who were all fun'd out; I looked around breathed in the churro aroma filled air and made a memory.

Morals of the Post:
  • The sincerest form of flattery is pasting one's face in public view for thousands and thousands of people to see on a v-neck shirt that screams, 'She's with us!' So Becca, show a little gratitude eh.
  • Seal never was cool. So if you are going to name drop in a blog... try harder.

Ps. If any ya'll need the Becca shirt for any special occasion - QuinceaƱeras, Bar Mitzvahs, a night on the town... whatever it may be. Hit me up, I'll hook you up.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Caffiene Patches

Sweet Mercy was today a Coke day...

I have found an interesting correlation between days at work that drag on for ever and my coke intake... today was such a day.

Luckily I work right next to a drug store - which is a blessing and a curse all in one. For example:

  • Coke for a buck! You heard me... while all you other suckas are out at the gas station shellin' out the big bucks for an 8 oz. sip of coke, I get this beauty which INCLUDES a bendy straw and two pumps of cherry... all of which -I'm fairly certain- are Oprah's favorite things.

  • Hours of endless entertainment watching senior citizen after senior citizen try and park their boats into compact car spaces in the parking lot.

  • The fact that the peeps at the drug store let me stroll right on up behind the counter and get my own drinks... which you may think to yourself, "Instead of being helped you have to do the work yourself; yeah, real cool." But I'm telling you its not until you burst through the door with your shaky hands and beaty little eyes on a caffeine withdrawal and you see there are thirty seniors deciding if they want to add some spice to their life and get pralines in cream in their shake, or play it safe and stick with sugarless vanilla, will you understand the miracle it is to rush up in front of everyone and help yourself to the sweet nectar of the gods. Its kinda like going to Disneyland with some one in a wheelchair and going to the front of every line while you pass the poor saps that have been waiting in line for hours to get on the ride. (Which I got to do once... highly recommend it)
  • Unfortunately almost all of said seniors (who have just spent the last 45 minutes parking mind you) come into my work before they hit up the drug store to fill up their prescriptions. Riddle me this... Have you ever been the one thing that stands between a crotchety old man and his prescription? Pray that you never do. I'm sure there will be many a post about those adventures in el futuro.

  • I blame the economy for the next Con; two-penny penny candy. Since when did penny candy cost two pennies?! That's a 100% markup! Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the name "penny" candy in the first place?! Though I am morally opposed and sickened by this, I find that my dependency on Swedish fish outweighs any moral obligations. If I didn't think I'd be rocking the boat and lose my "get your own drink" privilege I'd bring up the ridiculous two-penny penny candy issue to the owner... but alas the angry letter will remain anonymous. For now.

  • I feel that there has to be a third Con mostly because I'm OCD and it would drive me crazy having it be 3 pros and only 2 cons instead of a healthy 3 and 3 - so the next con is more of a love hate relationship with the fact that they used to have the greatest ice-cream known to man; Cherry BoBerry. Which only after having set me up on a bi-weekly dependency on the stuff did they take it away and later reveal that it had been discontinued for an indefinite amount of time a.k.a. "thats what we are going to tell you because we're scared you'll go bat-crazy on us when we tell you that actually 'indefinite amount of time' means never."
Until I can get my hands on some some caffeine patches... I guess I will have to settle for my Coke runs.

Moral of the post:
  • Encourage your own grandparents to be nice to people that they interact with on a daily basis... because while you may get 10 bucks in a card on your birthday once a year from your grandparents... I on the other hand, am getting the wrath of mild to moderate confusion per old age and seriously get the brunt end of the stick... help a brotha out.

Remember when..