Monday, January 31, 2011

Will that be one Ka-Boob or two?

Eric sent me a rather aggressive email recently asking why I haven’t made a blog post in a while… I have no good answer.

I’m legally blind. My contacts prescription is -7.25 and -6.75.

Okay, that tidbit, or tad-bat (if you are Valerie while trying to say tid-bit as you are waiting in line for free chocolates from the geriatric ward… aka See’s Candy) was mostly two fold: 

A.) to make you feel bad for me and a little less angry for not writing for a while and... 

B.) as a diversion and/or procrastination tactic

Right now I am sitting in the passenger seat driving to Vegas. I am seeing how long it will take me before I get violently road sick while writing this post.

So far; so good.

I find it fitting that I write a memory involving Eric as he was the motivating factor to getting my blog on again; if you will.

Best friend Eric and I go way back. And I mean waaaay back… back to the days of floating down the river in an inner tube in our overalls. Well, at least that’s how long it feels. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure we actually met in a 9th grade gym class. He was the new kid on the block, and I thought I was too cool for school whilst wearing my pooka shell necklaces an all, so needless to say our friendship didn’t really start then either; obviously. (I promise I’m a better person now.) 

To tell you the truth I’m not rightly sure the point where we became best friends, our next attempt at friendship was also rocky. We had an English class together. Which I believe is a good time to interject that our teacher, I’m about 98.90% sure, was a underground Nazi cult leader or professional child snatcher. No joke, this woman had a complete bottom desk drawer full of knives. She also recommended me to read a book for a report and when I went to the library to check it out the librarian got all wide-eyed and asked why on earth I was looking for that book. I was then informed it was banned from all school libraries as “too pornographic”… yeah, thanks for that one teach.

Wow, tangent.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Eric and I round two.  So he sat in front of me in my class and after about a week into it, he made me sign a contract saying that I would not put my feet up on his desk, or sprawl out my arms onto his desk when I would take my post lunch nap during the Nazi propaganda lectures by said teacher.

Okay, I’m not making a strong case here, but suffice it to say - we are best friends now… and that’s all that matters.

Eric even got me a job at the restaurant he worked at. Which I’m not sure was the most productive decision ever made, putting us both in the same work environment and all, but none the less it made for some awesome stories along the way.

One night, a sassy lady (and not the good kind of sassy) came up to us asking for something as her son tagged along behind her while looking as white as a ghost. He was trying to get his mom’s attention but she kept ignoring him and insisted on assaulting us with request after request.

Then it happened.

The boy could be ignored no more… mostly because he began to vomit, and lets get real, vomiting gets anyone’s attention – which come to think of it, is probably the only reason why Mariah Carey is having a baby.  Twins nonetheless. That’s like twice the vomiting, and thus twice the attention. That makes more sense than the disturbing alternative like that she actually wants to have offspring. Something to ponder. 

Another random fact about me; I do not do well with smells and have frighteningly sensitive gag reflex. Eric looked over to me after the kid vomited right in front of us and the first words out of my mouth were, “Um yeah, you are going to want to clean that up unless you want to clean up mine as well as his.” Now I’m not going to say that that was the best thing to say as the mom is still standing right in front of us, but she just looked over with those annoyingly needy eyes as if to say, “Well what are you waiting for, clean that.”

Eric is a good man; he took care of it while I stayed at the opposite end off the restaurant while trying not to dry heave myself that evening as the event kept replaying in my head.

Another night that we were working and a sweet old lady was looking over the menu and looked up at me while Eric was next to me and asked, “Now what’s your chicken ka-boob?” Call it immaturity, but I dare any one of you to keep straight face if a grandma came up to you and starts asking you to describe, and question you about the quality of your ka-boobs,

 “… and is that one ka-boob or two?"

Nigh unto impossible.

Morals of Post:
  • Everyone should be Eric’s best friend. It’s kind of like having two drinks come out of the vending machine when you only pay for one, or kind of like finding a $20 bill in the gutter and having no one around watching, allowing you to not feel morally awkward taking it and spending it on two days worth of Chinese food in a row.  Yeah, it’s a lot like that.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sure Way to Die

As I was walking in the parking lot I found it quite curious to find this car parked in the handicap parking space. There are a couple reasons I why find irony in this...

A. I had to ask myself, What on earth is ' E q u e s t r i a n  V a u l t i n g ' ?

LUCKILY, the owners of the vehicle foresaw the confusion that would ensue the reading of said title/club and provided us with a decal to explain...

Oh yeah, you're right; now it makes perfect sense.

B. What I've gathered from context clues and available imagery is that this is a renegade group (cult) that may or may not kidnap you in the night, pull you up on a Clydesdale, and when you've reached galloping speeds on the horse they will lift you up and throw you off of the horse... into the air. Mercilessly.

I'm not going to lie, my palms are sweating just thinking about it.

As you know, I'm not one to jump to conclusions... but lets just say I'm not too surprised that the owner of such a sticker on their rear windshield would also have a handicap sticker nearby.

I am surprised however that the driver is even in any condition to drive and does not have a full on body cast lying on a gurney somewhere - handicap parking seems pretty optimistic to me.

Moral of the Post:


    This could quite possible be the worst application of synergy known to man.
Update:  This post was off the market for a while due to the amount of hate mail that I received from a certain "dance-on-top-of-horses" community. I actually even heard from one of the instructors and/or founder who was really nice - so I would definitely recommend taking classes from whoever it was if ya'll are interested. 

It was just the rest of the tight knit (and google savvy) members that let me have it! But I have waited a sufficient amount of time to repost this and I believe that it has been enough time that all those involved have surely had an equestrian mishap and have most likely moved on to meet their maker. So... we're baaacckkk.

Remember when..