Friday, June 11, 2010


So my tongue kills.

It feels as if I just put an entire steaming cup of 7/11 hot chocolate into my mouth and gargled it... or lapped up the water used to make the the withered carrots in Cup'o'Noodles magically explode into vibrant (or really, just slightly less withered) carrot chunks.

That is the pain I have dealing with the past few days. I have NO recollection of eating anything hot or spicy and I am pretty sure that I don't have food allergies so here I am left. perplexed.

I have come to two conclusions: Either I am one of those people that do crazy things while they sleepwalk and somehow one night went downstairs, boiled me up some hot water, drank it, and repeated the process fourteen times - or - clearly this is  a mystery that only WebMD can solve.

In my pursuit of knowledge and how to get rid of this pain, I coincidentally have finally found a more dramatic writer than myself...

Meet WebMD.

Me: Hey WebMD whats up?

WebMD: Hey Hawk, not feeling so hot? Tell me a little about it...

Me: My tongue hurts.

WebMD: Can you be more specific?

Me: Its like I burned my whole tongue with scalding water or kinda like I have been sucking on a habenero like a cool Mentos on a hot summer's day... but I didn't; well at least I don't think I did.

WebMD: Ahhh, yup yup, u-huh, you came to the right place; I know excactly what that is... you either have

     A.   a vitamin deficiency or

     B.   YOU HAVE AIDS!!! O..M..G.. Y O U   H  A  V  E    A  I  D  S!!!

      Me: SWEET MERCY!! SAY WHAAA?!!?!

      WebMD: Yeah, you heard me... either A. You just need a few gummy vitamins and you'll be right as rain or B. Run, no, SPRINT to the hospital right now because YOU-HAVE-FREAKIN'-AIDS!!!

      Me: [frightened and desperately clicking out of the browser that is now screaming at me]


      Really, WebMD? There couldn't possibly be a couple steps in between the two?

      You had me at hello when you diagnosed me with ADD and listed off everything that I do in life and how I think, but now I'm starting to think that you are just a wee bit dramatic.

      Morals of Post:
      •  If you want some SERIOUS paranoia I recommend hitting up WebMD and telling it how you are feeling today. Lets see what terminal illness you end up with.

      • Update: I could no longer taste Coke and eating toast nearly brought me to tears so I thought to myself... Maybe its time for a real doctor. I went to the doc and my diagnosis: stress. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! So apparently everyone has different things that happen when they get really stressed; for some its headaches, for others its perma-fire-tongue - luckily, I get to experience both.

      • I'm nearly positive I must have eaten kittens, puppies, and/or children in a past life.... that or had done something horrible to spark a chain of events that led to the Bieber epidemic. Either or, I think this is my punishment for whatever it was I did.


      1. look at it as an insta-diet? Then it's exciting. Yay!

      2. I will forever and always remember reading this at work and laughing for minutes together, not being able to breathe for at least 10 minutes after that, your snorting and yelling "YOU HAVE AIDS!!!!!"" Oh Hawk I love your posts!!!

      3. Hawksauce!

        This has to be the most edifying blog I have ever read! I am serious... I have never laughed so hard and felt so enriched. You rock my socks Hawk!

      4. Web MD once told me I either was having an aortic dissection or had shingles.

        I suppose that is a step up from those student health centers that would immediately diagnose a person with strep and send them on their way, despite the javelin sticking out of their ass cheek.

      5. BAH! I think I looked like a fool laughing out loud right now reading this! Very entertaining my friend!

      6. Ok...this is it. This is ABSURD. Holy effffffffff. This is my favorite (at least thus far but I'm scared if it gets much funnier than this). Oh myyyyy goodness. Your diction...and writing style...just make the already funny content OVERWHELMINGLY HILARIOUS. I tried WebMD once in my life, and it was traumatizing...I only made it as far as clicking on some random naked body "where it hurts". I haven't gone back since.


      reading a post without leaving a comment is like drinking a
      32 oz. Coke and not burping after; it's just not healthy.

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