Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Thank the good heavens above that its finally Monday!

Here is a little word scramble game with the theme of my weekend...


Hint: The beginning rhymes with pail and the word ends in -ure.

failure. good job.

Okay where do I even begin? How about the fact that I had to work Saturday and had two wedding receptions that night (which happened to be an hour apart from each other) and a weekend retreat which was to include fireworks and a Brazilian barbecue...

Eventful to say the least.

So after work (and getting about 2 hours of sleep the night before) I came home and crashed on my bed. When I woke up it was clear that I had slept more than just a few hours... I had been dead to the world for actually quite a few hours and woke up in a horrible nap funk/realization that I was ridiculously late now. I had all but missed one of my good friend's reception (Mary, I apologize from the bottom of my jagged little heart! As you will see, karma definitely showed me what was up for missing it). Friend fail.

So I frantically tried to find any clothes that I could get away with wearing to a reception since I had forgotten to pick up my dry cleaning with all my shirts, pants, etc earlier that day. Swagger fail.

I also became very aware that I hadn't eaten since breakfast, so I swung by Wendy's on my way and for the next 15 minutes tried to drive, eat, and avoid getting fancy ketchup all over myself. Though I'm not quite sure how... I managed to not spill, but I did manage to get flipped off by the guy in the car in front of me? Driving fail.

An hour later I finally make it to the general whereabouts of the address on the invitation, but of course they are having construction everywhere in the city and had about every road that I needed to take closed off with orange barrels. Convenience fail.

I make it to what I think is probably the right area and see a ton of cars parked along the road. SUCCESS! I found it! So I hop out of my car and am warmly greeted by ranchero music pounding in the air. Hmmm, I didn't know that they had such an appreciation for Latin culture to play tuba music at their wedding... whatever. Then as I walked around thought to myself, "Hmmm, also interesting that only Latins were invited to their wedding?! M a y b e.... this isn't the right place?" Quincienera crashing fail.

So I drove around again trying to find the address and came to a dead end which I thought was was only a block away from where the reception should be; I got out of my car to see if I could cut across a field to get to it. Smart, I know. So there I was on the west side of the railroad tracks on a dead end road walking around empty warehouses in the dark trying to see if I can find 'the hardware building'. 

I then saw a car coming down the dead end road towards me; I have seen one too many movies to know that this had trouble written all over it, so I jetted over to my car and took off.

Realizing that I was never going to find this place on my own, I put the address in my phone and it ended up taking me to a giant mall complex on the other side of the tracks. Wtf.

So I get out and asked the people in a Barnes and Noble in the mall if they had any idea where the hardware building or warehouse was and they told me there were a lot of warehouses around. Duly noted. I told them that I had trespassed nearly all of them. They said there was a red brick building behind the mall that could be it. So I left the mall and checked out the building but the side store was for some other company and was definitely not a place for a reception.

I had been driving around for an hour and a half when I decided I was never going to find this joint in this lifetime and I started driving away when I noticed on top of the building that I had just checked out said, 'The Warehouse Building'! So I pulled over again and ran across the street to the building and went to the other side of the street passing a security guard along the way.

Of course the doors were locked so I went back and found the the security guard and...

Me: Hey, where can I get into the reception?
Security guard: There is no reception here.
Me: Okay, where nearby is having a reception?
Security guard: There isn't a reception tonight.
Me: Is there another part of the building that would have receptions?
Security guard: Are you with the 'blah blah blah' group?
Me: Um... m a y b e....
Security guard: [walks over to keypad to put in the code to open the doors]
       So, are you with the group?
Me: Well, I could be... not quite sure where I'm suppose to be.
[Security guard stops typing in numbers and looks hesitant to let me in]
Me: Wait... yeah, I probably am.

I had successfully broken into the building by beguiling a security guard. By now I'm pretty much double '0' status. If you need a spy or just someone uber sneaky... hit me up.

So I walk into the building and have no idea where to go and start wandering around when I hear someone yell behind me, "Hey" and I turn and it's the security guard and he tells me to go straight down the hall and that is where my party is. panic. Pretty sure this group of people is going to know that I am not really with them when I go traipsing inside.

When I walked into the room I see my friend, his new wife, and both of their parents. All alone. I could have sworn that the the reception went until 10:30 (which by now was around 10:20) They all turned around when I walked in and had the most surprised/confused looks on their faces, which in return put a confused look on my face too.

Groom: Hawk! What are you doing here?
Me: Um, I know I'm a little late?
Bride: Oh no... did you think our wedding was tonight?
Bride: Its next weekend.
Groom: We were just out to dinner with our parents and thought we would check it out again one more time before next week.
Me: Hmm, that's weird... I thought I'd check out the place a week before too. You know, check the place out, make sure I know how to get there, [fade out mumbling]...

So just when you don't think you can feel like any more of a failure...

Groom's dad: Well of course he didn't think it was today... he didn't bring a present.

Thank you Groom's dad.

Morals of the Post:
  • Just when you think you are having a special night secluded with the ones you love most... I will be there. I will always creepily be there. "Hey guys, ya'll sure do walk fast! Man, you almost lost me after dinner..."
  • First time I have ever looked forward to a Monday.
  • Two failed receptions and to top it off - not one single reception dinner... I should have 'hola'ed' my way into the Quicienera Fiesta when I had my chance.


  1. Oh my gosh!! This sort of fail day happens to me about once every eight months or so. I love your telling of it. But it keeps us humble right? You are such a winner 95% of the time Hawken. And that's pretty stellar.

  2. I love this story! Sorry it was such a rough day for you though! On the brightside, you do know where it is now!

  3. Hey Brittany -


    And way to find the silver lining

    Also, if you ever are in a pickle and need to get rid of a body or the like, I now know of a few abandoned warehouses...

    I got your back.

  4. This is quite arguably the best blog post I have ever read. I literally laughed and laughed out loud all by myself. I hope you remembered to bring a great gift for the couple when you showed up the following week!


reading a post without leaving a comment is like drinking a
32 oz. Coke and not burping after; it's just not healthy.

Remember when..