Once a Carni... Always a Carni

The other night we went to Cirque du Soliel's Alegria show.

I have two words: Incredible and Depressing.

Don't get me wrong; that's not to be mistaken with 'incredibly depressing'

May I expound...

Incredible:

This was my first ever Cirque du Soleil experience; and that's exactly what it was... a complete experience. My mind was blown.

They were doing things up there that:

      A. I wouldn't do even if I had a safety net beneath me.
      B. My body probably couldn't  do even if I wanted to try.
      C. Gave me anxiety just watching.

So, I learned that in order to actually be in Cirque du Soleil you must:

1. Have impeccable balance. You must be able to balance all of your body weight upside down while on one hand and moving your legs from side to side making it seem like it is easiest thing to come along since the hot pocket.
   
   
2. Have a nineteen pack. Yeah, you heard me. These people were frighteningly in shape.
   
   
3. Be able to do acrobatic moves on the ground and in the air without running into the person who coincidentally is headed straight for you also flipping and turning while somehow knowing exactly whats in front of them. Unnatural. Unnerving.

Depressing:

When you walk away from the show, this is what you realize:

1. I count it a success and a good balance day when I don't accidentally run into a wall; or when I'm walking next to someone and they don't ask me to walk at least two feet away from them so I don't keep bumping into them.
   
   
2. I may be in shape; but where on earth do you get a nineteen pack?! Do you have to apply for one?
   
   
3. My gymnast friend Jacob once tried to teach me how to do flips in the air... the only thing stopping me however was the fact that my fluidity and coordination is akin to that of seahorse in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Lots of room for improvement. So as a break from the big stuff he tried to teach me how to do a ninja flip (a cartwheel with no hands [I'm well aware that this maneuver has a real name, but 'ninja flip' sounds a lot more butch... so I'm sticking with it]).
   
   So there I was in the middle of the air executing the stealthy (yet deadly) ninja flip when I hear a alamingly loud riiiiiiippppp ....pppppp ...ppp ..pppppp ....ipipipip ...ppppp ...... thud! Only to have landed on the ground (side first) becoming fully aware that not only have I completely failed my ninja kick attempt but have simultaneously blown out the crotch of my pants. A continual tare that starts at the zipper and continues about 6-8 inches on both sides of each pant leg.
   
   As a result I spent the rest of the time hiding my fair to moderately breezy pants behind a giant potted plant until everyone was ready to leave. Rest assured, my friends milked that one for all it was worth.

Morals of Post:

• Needless to say I wont be joining the Cirque du Soleil touring troupe any time soon.
  
  
• Hate to kick a dead horse, but nineteen pack?! Really?! How the..?!
  
  
• Word to the wise; never attempt anything that may look ninja-ish in your jeans. You will severely regret your decision. You have been warned.

Bra Secrets

Today Shannee covered herself in salsa while wearing a new white shirt. This is inevitable. She is the saddest/messiest eater I have ever known. This girl might as well put the food on her before she attempts to eat it, just to get that step out of the way. It truly is an incredible talent she possesses.

After the salsa incident...

Shannee: Dah, I'm going to invent one of those Tide Stain Remover stick thingies that you can hide in your bra...

[Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

Shannee: (more agitated) for messy girls like me...

[Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

Shannee: (louder and angrier) agh, this is  such b.s.

[Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

Shannee: (defeated) Why does this always happen to me?! I AM A GOOD PERSON.

Morals of Post:

• Dear Shannee,
                            Maybe you're not.
  
  
•  I am perplexed at this 'hidden Tide stain removing pen in the bra' concept... Is this not the sole purpose of why girls have purses in the first place?! What are the qualifications for things being hidden in a bra as opposed to things which are demoted to being carried around in a regular ol' purse?
  
  Confused. Yet, intrigued.

Creepin' on the Freeway

So I'm a little ashamed to admit that I watched Aladdin tonight...

Don't get me wrong; I'm not ashamed that the movie was Aladdin - but more so ashamed of the fact that I watched it through the glass of an SUV on the freeway for about 30 minutes on my way home tonight.

There was a ton of construction on the freeway and as I was passing this SUV I noticed there was a movie playing in the backseat. When I got to the side of it I realized it was Aladdin, and if you are going to be stuck in construction traffic you might as well have something to keep you entertained; am I right or am I right?! So naturally, I pulled back and started following them.

The movie was great. Also, riddle me this... since when did they start installing HD televisions in cars?! Pretty sure that thing had a clearer picture than my TV at home. I was tempted to pull to the side and ask them to roll down the windows and turn up the sound so I could at least hear what was going on, but then I thought beggars can't be choosers so respectfully declined that urge. Instead, I played a little game... see what songs on my cd would match what was happening on the screen. I had a lot of misses until the fight seen with Aladdin and Jafar and Kids with Guns by the Gorillaz came on. I counted it as a moderate success...

I may or may not have gotten a little too invested in the movie because when we got out of the construction zone and everyone else was speeding up and passing by; I lagged behind the SUV clearly disobeying the 3 second distance rule to what some might call a creepy degree.

I upheld my creeper status as I would speed up when they would speed up and change lanes following them when they were obviously trying to loose me. I would have given a friendly flash of my brights to tell them gently to knock it off and let me enjoy my movie, had the memory of that urban legend of if you bright someone they come after you and run you off the road not popped into my head - I don't think it was paranoia - just playing it safe.

It was almost the end of the movie when Jafar is a Genie and by now I was completely into this thing... unfortunately the SUV made its way over to the exit lane and I had an internal conflict whether to follow them or not. I figured by this point the family had 9 and 1 already punched into their cellphone and were just waiting to see if I was going to follow them off the off-ramp before pressing the other 1. Since I have already maxed my ticket/pull over quota for the year, I reluctantly let them slip out of sight and into the darkness.

I still don't know if I made the right decision.

Morals of the Post:

• If you are going to distract everyone on the road with a clearly visible motion picture in your vehicle then don't be all creeped out when people get all up in your grill to get a good seat. Quit being selfish.

• I swear I don't know how a Gorillaz song got on my cd; so stop judging me.

How to Grow Old in Style

I saw this the other night; after searching high and low, I finally found it so I could share it with ya'll. (And yes, it paused at a really awkward frame... so just push play already.)



Is it just me or is silver streamer somewhat anti-climatic after having an elf spring at you going top speeds?! I think they digressed a little on that one.

I beleive there are a whole lot of other things that they could have launched to make Betty White flinch for sure. You know what I think they should have shot out of that cannon... Justin Bieber.  Really.  I think they could have killed two birds with one stone had they gone that route (moderate pun intended) - but hey, that's just me. 

Morals of Post:

• Betty White makes getting old seem bearable.  I have a legitimate fear of growing old but I figure if I can somehow end up on commercials, movies, TV shows, and making A LOT of money while I'm at it when I get that old... I will be just fine.
  
  
• If anyone was offended by the Bieber comment, maybe you should be shot out of the cannon next. Just sayin.
  
  
• If anyone knows how to adopt this woman as a grandma please contact me.

Series of Unfortunate Events

I went to a dinner party last night at Addison's where Amy, Addi's childhood friend from Minnesota, started telling us about her 16th birthday party. It was a Fear Factor themed party. She had invited her closest friends to her birthday party to compete in a series of challenges Fear Factor style. The winner would be awarded 50 bucks, "and when you are sixteen, 50 bucks is like a million dollars!" so everyone was in it to win it.

So here is a run down of the events:

The first challenge - Peep Madness! Each person had a minute to eat as many marshmallow peeps as they possibly could without water. Mostly everyone could only handle 11 or 12 peeps but the winner somehow downed 25 peeps - Meanwhile, Amy's friend Cassie turned to her and dramatically told her that she would never eat another peep again....   5 minutes later (and throughout the rest of the night) Cassie could be found popping down all the left over peeps like they were Tic Tacs or skittles.

After a series of other Fear Factor challenges and running around doing obstacle courses, the final challenge was to eat a piece of cold boiled pig's brain on a saltine cracker. Whoever could do it would be the the new proud owner of 50 bones.

Beforehand, Amy and Addi hatched some horrible plan to not eat anything before or at the party so they wouldn't get too full. Their logic, "The peeps are going to expand in our stomachs so we can't eat anything or else we'll be too full to eat for the other challenges."

So it is Amy's turn to eat the pig brain, who mind you, has been running around all day long doing obstacle courses and jumping on the trampoline with nothing more than a few shots of soda and about 12 peeps in her system. Needless to say Amy's logic ended up being her demise as she threw up a saltine cracker and pig brains all over the table in front of 45 of her closest friends.

Now if you thought that was a good story,  you are in for a treat -  That was just the intro! Our real story is about Cassie; and follows her home from the party.

When Cassie got home that night from the party she was struggling with cramps and popped a Midol to try and get rid of the pain. A little while later she still hurt really bad and took a couple Tylenol. She still didn't feel any better and took a few Ibuprofen, a while later - two more of something else. It was at this point that she actually started feeling a lot worse and realized that she may have actually just overdosed. So she told her parents about the situation and her dad rushed her to the emergency room where they had to pump her stomach.

For those of you unfamiliar with the standard stomach pump procedure; they are required to sort through content and list it all on a form. So while Cassie and her dad were waiting in one of the rooms the doctor came in and turned to Cassie's dad and told him she would be okay but he wanted to make the father aware of stomach content that he had discovered,

"Well, it looks like there were about 4 slices of pizza, 48 peeps, and... " The doctor turned to Cassie,

"...was that cow's brain?!"  - Wide-eyed, the dad turned to Cassie and asked, "W-h-a-t  were you doing at the Wilson's?!"

The kicker of the whole episode was that Cassie went home with a pamphlet that the doctor gave her about the dangers of Mad Cow Disease...

I would have paid good money to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.  I can only imagine the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that peeps now play in Cassie's life.  She must have a fairly large bottle of Xanax just to get through Easter.

Poor thing.

Morals of the Post:

• Reason number 4,395 why I will never eat a peep.
  
  
• Themed birthday parties are nothing short of incredible. Why do we not have more of them!? I guess this gives me 352 days to plan my next one... Reality TV themes (as proven above) are GOLDEN...
  
  So I think my next party will be a Bachelor/SYTYCD/Biggest Loser/Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew/From G's to Gents/Hell's Kitchen/Survivor/Project Runway/ and Dancing With the Stars themed extravaganza with a dash of Jersey Shore...
  
  Granted, I would have to actually watch an episode of any of these shows to know anything of whats going on... so the details of how to pull it all together are a little hazy; but rest assured there is one thing I can say with confidence - It will be epic.
  
  You are all invited.

Cobra Upgrade

At work I had a ton of letters to open and I couldn't find the letter opener that I always use (correction: the letter opener was just out of reach and I was too lazy to get up and walk clear over to the other side of the counter to get it...) So, I looked around and found a new letter opener and thought I would just use that instead - thank you universe.

3 minutes pass...

If you put an envelope between a starved bear on meth and fresh salmon, I think that is a fairly accurate depiction of what the envelope and letter looked like when I was finished with it.

Jenn:   What are you doing?!
Me:      Do yo know how to use this letter opener? I can't figure it out.
Jenn:   [ look of disbelief ]
            Hawk, that's a staple remover.
       
... painful, painful silence


Last time I checked, staple removers looked like giant snapping cobra teeth not letter openers.

Dear staple remover manufacturers,
          I would like to subscribe to your newsletter; so that when you make such a radical (and unnecessary) change I wont feel like such an idiot when I'm apparently the only one unaware of the new design; and you can stop embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Morals of Post:

• Kids, stick with things you are good at. If you try new things you will most likely fail, be humiliated, and get laughed at. Simultaneously.
  
  
• "Laziness is a secret ingredient that goes into failure. But it’s only kept a secret from the person who fails.”
  –Robert Half
  Shut up, Rob.
  
  
• "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that wont work."
  - Thomas Edison
  I knew I liked him for a reason...

F Is For Full Frontal... And Friends

I am NOT a morning person...

In fact, that is an understatement - right when I wake up in the morning pretty much all I want to do is kill unicorns and suck the color out of rainbows until there is nothing left but cold gray arched carcasses...

I wish I were being dramatic.

I don't get it - every single morning it is the same routine; I wake up all sorts of confused and I have no idea where my body is; meanwhile, I am simultaneously faced with the panicked feeling of being slammed back into reality. Completely unable to tell what was part of my dream I just got ripped out of and what is real life. Bad news bears.

So, in an act to try and counterbalance morning me, the first thing I do is grab my phone, turn on some 'You Make My Dreams' by Hall and Oates music and search all my apps for something that will put me in a good mood.

Well ladies and gents, today I found the jackpot; finally a remedy for extreme morning anger... I may or may not have watched this 17 1/2 times before I even got out of bed this morning.



I don't know if it is:

• the inspiring message of hope and counsel for future generations
  
• the ultra feminine bass voice
  
• the mad dance break between I and J
• the neon alphabet ever-present in the background
  
• that dress
  
• the successful transplant of Mr. Ed's teeth into a human being
• the fact that 'sexy' is also similar to crouching down to scare someone, shoveling, or a beginners pilates stance.
  
• the realization that yes, x truly is mysterious
  
• the special way that claustrophobia gets her hands to dance
  
• or those sexy skeleton legs that just don't quit...
  

I think graphics were just being invented around this time so I really appreciate the effort of the floating/scrolling letters.

Also, I'm fairly certain that 1:30 - 2:00 is pretty much what it looks like right before the Grim Reaper comes to take you away...

I hope this changes lives. I know it has mine.

Morals of the Post:

• Naturally M is for me and N is for NEVER AGAIN!

• It is about quality not quantity, isn't it.

• If we learn anything from the 70's let it be that if you get tired in the middle of your music video... go ahead, lie down - you can shimmy just as well on the ground as you can standing up. Thank you Amanda Lear. Thank you.
  

You Don't Suck

Do you ever have one of those days when you are having a mild to moderately frustrating day and instead of getting a little sympathy from anyone, you just get slapped repeatedly in the face from the universe telling you to suck it up...

Case in point:

I was having such a day and thought I'd go emotionally eat lunch at my favorite pizza joint. I got a drink, grabbed a straw, and headed to work. When I got to work I unwrapped my straw and this is what I got...

Really?

Two things are happening here; anger and disappointment.

• Anger: What the?! My straw is actually sealed shut?! In all the straws that I have opened in my lifetime I have never been greeted by a defect before; you can't help but to take it personally. Especially when you are now nowhere near a backup straw - you are then forced to move the cup all the way to your mouth and have no choice but to pour the drink down your gullet like a Neanderthal... ugh, effort.
  

• Disappointment: If you are going to package me a straw that should belong on the island of misfit toys then don't add salt to the wound by making it look like a Pixy Stick that someone has sucked all the sugar out of... have I not suffered enough?
  

Moral of the Post:

• I feel an angry letter to the straw people coming on... so when ya'll see 'inspected by 26c' imprinted on your next straw and no longer have to hold your breath every time you open a straw wrapper to see if you get nothing more than a nub... you'll know who to thank.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

So there I am, walking down the sidewalk minding my business when I look up and see a giant gorilla running towards me.

Panic.

Most people are familiar with the fight or flight adrenaline rush; where, when a gorilla is running at you - you either are all pumped up to run away from the gorilla at high speeds or your brain sends you a surge of power to beat the gorilla down in a sudden-death showdown. I however fall under a slightly less recognized category which includes 'Fight, Flight, or Fade Out' where my adrenaline shot has more of a tense up and pass out effect.

I'll illustrate this for you - lets say I am walking in the woods alone and a ravenous pack of wolves appear out of nowhere... my brain assesses the situation:

a.) I could employ the flight mode and have this kid start running away, but who are we kidding - he has practically no legs and would probably make it to the next tree before the wolves eat him alive. Flight - Abort.

b.) I could employ the fight mode and give him super-strength, but there are like 48 wolves and really, what is he going to do? Bite back harder for every time he gets bitten? You can only bite so many wolves before the ultimate scenario is that of the previous point. Fight - Abort.

c.) Lets get real, this kid is going to be eaten alive no matter how we play this, so I might as well make him freeze up, pass out, and send him to a happy place while we get this over quick. He wont even know what hit him. Fade Out....

Thanks brain.

It is something that I've dealt with my whole life. Although its not the most conventional leap in evolution, I find some comfort in the fact that I am not the only who's emergency go-to strategy is 'fade out'.



There you have it. My closest link in evolution is a group of nervous stiff-legged fainting goats. How reassuring.

Anyways, back to the gorilla. There I am, walking all innocent-like down the sidewalk when the giant gorilla comes charging at me. True to form, I tense up and my feet and hands start to tingle and my brain is trying to decide if it should shut down now, or if it should wait til I can see the whites of its eyes before I pass out.

Meanwhile, the gorilla charged up to me, gave me a banana, and then ran right on past me.

?!?

Still in a little bit of shock, I look down to see the banana was attached to a brochure telling me how nice so and so apartments are. Wow. An apartment complex nearly got me to pass out in public via a giant gorilla. Yeah, don't worry - I'm still just as confused.

Here is a picture of said gorilla.


In my defense - this 'gorilla' looks more like something out of Predator than something you would find at San Diego Zoo... So I'm pretty sure you would've freaked out too.

Moral of the Post:

• Guerrilla Marketing - Definition: 'Type of marketing performed on a low budget and a lot of creativity to generate buzz to leave the consumer with the brand in mind.'

• Gorilla Marketing - LITERALLY having someone dress up as a gorilla and chase people down in an attempt to scare them into signing an apartment contract and causing an overwhelming sense of paranoia to follow them around for the rest of the day.
  

Dear April...

... I really don't appreciate this. Lets drop the whole December complex that you have going on right now while also being quite possibly the most emo month ever by selfishly making everyone super depressed and sad. If you want to snow, take it to Alaska or Canada... or somewhere where they have lighboxes and/or ample medication to get through dark, cold, and depressing months.

To all those feeling S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) above is a link where you can find a few helpful products to get you through the worst spring ever made. Lovin' me some Light 'on the go' Therapy Visor.

Moral of the Post:

• If you are going to go with the Therapy Visor you may conquer being S.A.D but may find yourself even more real-life sad when you realize no one will want to be your friend while you wear it. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

Do What?!

I find irony in the fact that although I do not drink nor do drugs I have been pulled over 3 times for suspicion of driving under the influence and once for - and I quote - 'dope' usage and driving (and no officer, kids aren't calling it that these days)

I'm not really quite sure how that relates to the quality of my driving but none the less it makes for some pretty good stories. In light of my recent ticket, I thought I'd do a little series of my favorite run ins with the law and pull over stories. Today's gem:

Birthday Pull Over:

This is hands down the creepiest pull over experience I have ever had. I had just finished having dinner with some friends in La Jolla and was driving back to the house to have dessert with the crew and on my way home I came to a light - let me just interject for a moment and tell you just how ridiculous California is for having 19 different lights going on at the same time per traffic light. Its just plain confusing. You have four arrows that are all different colors going different directions, that mixed with my slight (and debatable) red/green color blindness all combined together, it quickly became the recipe for what led to my pull over rendezvous . I turned left, on what I could have sworn was a green light, and it just happened to pull right in front of a cop who apparently thought otherwise.

The cop came up to my car and asked where I was headed, without thinking or being able to stop myself I blurted out, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY." Two words: word vomit. Don't ask... I really have no idea why out of thousands of things I could have said that is what I chose. Not really a highlight in my rhetoric career.

The cop, clearly not impressed, stuck out his hand in front of me and told me to blow into his hand. Excuse me? What the?! I think my facial expression expressed my confusion and he repeated, "Blow into my hand."

Still in shock of what he had just asked me to do I awkwardly blew into his hand like I was blowing into a straw. He cut me off and repeated with a little more edge in his voice, "No, blow into my hand." Still confused I thought, What does he think I'm doing?!

So I puckered up and blew my imaginary straw even harder.

After round two the officer had a look in his eye that made it very clear he wanted to taze me... and then it clicked, "Ohhhhh, he wants me to breathe into his hand. Like a little homemade breathalyzer test!" For some reason I was pretty excited that I had finally figured out the great 'blow in my hand' mystery - maybe a little too excited - and told the cop, "Oh, [awkward laugh] you mean breathe in your hand! Got it! Can I try again?"

I'm pretty sure that cop was left bewildered to the fact that he had someone pulled over that was drunk off his rocker, making NO sense, and unable to perform basic tasks - yet had not a drop of alcohol on his breathe.

He looked at my information and also checked to see if it really was my birthday and finally told me I could go. As he was leaving he looked in the back of my car and saw all of the balloons in the backseat -- Flashback - Earlier that morning I had found that my friends had filled my car completely with balloons to which I had a hay day popping them all, but didn't have time to clean up the mess and left them all in my car. So my car was utterly filled with latex carcasses of destroyed birthday balloons. (which in his defense probably looked like a whole lotta paraphernalia of sorts) -- and whipped right back to my window and asked, "and this?!' once again, word vomit "Birthday." I said sheepishly. No reply, just the most suspicious look I've ever received and/or will ever receive in my life.

I really have no idea how I got off the hook that night and didn't get carried off to jail for further drug testing, but to be fair this all could have been avoided had the cop not thought before walking over to my car, "How can I be the creepiest cop ever and make this the most uncomfortable pull over in history of law enforcement?" Hats off to you officer... I think you made a new record.

Morals of the Post:

• If you thought getting pulled over makes you nervous now - just wait til something like this happens to you. Experiences like these I'm nearly certain are what lead to future high-speed chases where the person might have pretty valid reasons to not pull over for a cop.
  
  
• When it is your birthday, play the 'birthday' card to its fullest extent. Sky's the limit. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results.
  

Blogging Tickets and Cold Soup

I got my first blog related ticket. So pretty much I think I have just jumped from novice blogger to hardcore blogger status.

I was suppose to meet with Becca and Addi for lunch the other day at a Chinese joint. I sorta slept in. The worst part is that the night before I had haggled Becca into having lunch at 11:30 instead of 2:00 because I'm pretty much starving for lunch by 10:30. I thought it was a great compromise. Unfortunately, due to not being able to sleep the night before - I definitely overslept. When I woke up I completely forgot about lunch. So I got up and sleepily started blogging and around 11:45 I got a call from Becca - panic - I told her I was nearly on my way (mostly left out the part that I had to shower and get dressed too...)

I told Becca to order my usual and I would be there before they even realized I was gone. So as I am cruising over, a cop was coming the other way over a bridge and turned his lights before I even past him. What the?! Can they even do that? I guess there is a first for everything. I quickly sent out a distress text to Becca telling her that I was just pulled over. The officer ended up giving me a ticket for 14 over, which may or may not have been pretty generous considering the fact that I was clocked going 28 over... Then he thanked me for wearing my seat belt and how much he appreciated it. Jokes on you copper, I flung my seat belt on while you were pulling your kamikaze u-turn maneuver to pull me over - Its the little victories that keep me going.

So about an hour late to lunch I finally get to the restaurant and find Addi packing my meal into a to-go box. As I was thanking him Becca informed me that he was mostly trying to cover up the tracks of how much of my fried rice he had eaten. Clever.

Also, it turns out that if you let egg drop soup completely cool before you eat it it turns into a solid. So by the time I got there I had just enough time to chew my soup, eat Addi's leftovers of my meal, and enjoy the 9 minutes of company before I had to be at work.

Moral of the Post:

• Always wear your seat belt - but if you kind of forget and get pulled over... hurry and put it on while the cop is not looking... it may be the factor that drops your 28 to a 14.

We've Been Friends How Long?

There seems to be a little bit of confusion out there as to who I am in the Space Mountain picture. I thought it was pretty easy to pick myself out in the picture; but when I was at work turns out that about half my coworkers picked the wrong person. Including Mel, who by the way has known me for 20+ years. Really? C'mon!

Now don't get me wrong - Addi I am not saying its bad that everyone keeps thinking I'm you, that would be an honor - I think the problem lies in the fact that in this particular picture you sorta look a little... handicap. Okay lets get real - we both do. It is definitely not a real flattering picture of either of us. (Which in our defense, the drop on that part of the ride is pretty steep and the angle that the wind must have caught our faces really didn't help much either...) and I quote, "The report found that Disney's Space Mountain is still one of the more intense rides in the area -- showing more than 3.5 Gs. " (Local 6 Reporting) - Thank you Google. So lets not forget the 3.5 G's that had a hand in the making of this picture eh? If that face were the price you had to pay to have that much fun all the time... I'd walk around all day with that face. Scaring children along the way. Killing two birds with one stone.

So to clear up any confusion - the one that looks like a rugged 33 year old ethnic man with neck issues, who's proudly displaying his Becca shirt; that's me.

For kicks, here is another great coaster pic -

And the Award Goes To...

So yesterday I took some blogging initiative and sent my blog address to some close friends to have them check it out - ya know, before I go global and all. (You hear that Coca-cola... before you see the number of Coke tabs and references go up in my blog you had better start showing the benjamins. Just sayin...)

So if you got a text yesterday, consider it like your own personal limited edition golden ticket.

Now enter my dilemma.

I know this may not be the time nor place to tell everyone to go out and get an iphone because it will change your life... but I have some pretty convincing and relevant evidence to back this up - for example:

So I sent out an invite text to Jan in the morning and about 5 hours later I get a series of texts back that say:

"What the crap... I need some soap."
"Um, you sent me to rd.blogspot.com..."
"Is this a joke? Cuz..."

What the?! The text that I sent to her wasn't a novel by any means and still somehow her phone decided to cut out the most important part. So now, I am in a panic that I had sent her to some site with highly racy pictures or whatever would cause her to be traumatized and need soap. Which then led to an even greater panic of what if every text that I had sent out had been cut off too and left my friends going to Hitler support blogs, or blogs of how to start your own cult, or worse yet a Rosie O'Donnell fanclub blog...

Shudder.

So I did a little detective work to find out all the possibilities of blogs that could have been cut off mid-link and could have been sent to friends. Just to make sure I wouldn't have to send out follow up warning texts to everyone. These are my results. I feel as if this should continue as if presenting Best Picture at the Oscars...

And the nominees are:

d.blogspot.com

• This one might win best international blog. After all it is written by the 'coolest guy in cyberspace' (love self pronounced titles) but alas... Its in Danish. and I'm sure we are all really missing out.
  

rd.blogspot.com

• Matt, whom I'm guessing is a teenager going through the tough adolescent years, who can't spell 'the' right all the time but has definitely mastered certain 4 letter words which make up probably 78% of his blog. A moving story line with confusion, action, and drama all packed into one little blog with a hint of Croatian sass. A few of my favorite quotes:
  
  "My mom wants to know whats going on in my life... and I keep telling her nothing... I mean, I go to school and I go to work and then there are the nights when I go out where they think I am doing something naughty like hanging out with hardcore azn kolean gangstars, or hacking the gibson to r00t teh bawx0rs off the pentagon... I'm not that special... nor would I want to be... its not like I scream for attention or anything... "
  
  "I surprised I managed to fall asleep with all the noise I hear in my head..."
  
  I am not one to judge, but I think I'm going to have to side with the parents on this one... if I had kids I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want them to be hanging out with 'anz kolean gangstars' either. But hey, that's just me.
  

ard.blogspot.com

• The Debbie Downer of the group... JT, a man with interests in the viewpoints that Canadians have on the US Government who also rattles off on Liberalism and Socialism in the US Government adding some of his own view points. "Ignore the fact that you have no control over what your children are taught at schools; what morals, or lack there of, are brainwashed into them."
  
  JT only made only two posts followed by nothing more than eerie silence. I don't want to jump to any drastic conclusions... but I 'm pretty sure JT was assassinated by liberals. Granted my assumption may be biased on the fact that 24 and the Bourne Supremacy were both on the other night, but none the less there is a lesson to be learned here... be friendly to all parties and don't make too big of waves unless you want to end up like JT... in a burlap bag at the bottom of the the Potomac River.
  

ward.blogspot.com

• Out of all the nominees this one for sure is the least exciting. It has two posts in 2000 and both were at like 2:30 in the morning. Allow me to sum up the whole blog:
  
  "Mmmmmm" and "Test Test Test"
  
  Like I said, Boring.
  

kward.blogspot.com

• Welcome to the Ghetto Art Gallery brought to you by Wesley McTizic III. (Please bless that this is his real name.)
  
  "Here is my first of many images of My wife-E....that is apart of a series of pin up art dedicated to her Ilove you BOO!!"
  

I think the reason that its named 'kward' is because 'awkward' was already taken.

akward.blogspot.com

• We conclude with the site whose name had so much potential (who also, lest we forget, beat Wesley McTizic III to the rights of the blog name) I was more than disappointed when I opened it only to find the statement, "Boring stuff about my life...duh." and a big bold title that said JOURNAL followed by - well, go ahead click the link and I'll let you feel the dissapointment I experienced.
  
  I'm sorry pal but I think 'boring' was bit of an understatement.

So mystery solved. My apologies if your phone sabotaged your message and sent you to one of the sites above. Also, If you have a vote for 'best blog' of the the year from the 6 nominees above - feel free to leave it in the peanut gallery.

Morals of the Post:

• If you don't have an iPhone yet, get one. All of this could have been avoided if...ramble, ramble, ramble...
• All blogs were not created equal and not all blogs are good blogs. Lesson learned.
  
• If you have trouble sleeping because of the 'noises' in your head - maybe protective parents are the least of your worries.
  

Michelin Man vs. Stay Puft

I was filling my car with gas today and while I was waiting I looked up and had a stare-down with the Michelin Tire man above the pump. By all means I should be terrified of him - when I was a kid I had a REALLY hard time with the giant angry marshmallow thing that destroyed part of New York City in Ghost-busters. Between him, the clown from IT, and a giant blue yahtzee cup with fangs - they became the key players in about 96% of reoccurring nightmares I had as a kid. I don't know if you have paid that much attention but the two are strikingly similar... lose the gut and the creepy sailor get-up and BAM - You have the Michelin Man. Unnerving.

Although I would never want to be alone in a room with the guy; I have to admit that the 'Sad Road' commercial is probably one of my favorite commercials as of late and the hero just so happens to be the Michelin Man.

Smart Advertising.

Don't get me wrong I'm not fully endorsing the man who throws chunks of his torso (maybe that is how he lost his gut from Stay Puft?!) onto your car, but I'm merely just stating that this commercial has definitely broadened my judgment of him.

Favorite Critters: The animal that starts the skipping record at the beginning. The porcupine who has scratched in the road how many days he's been stuck there, and the poor screaming creature when he thinks he's about to be hit.