Thursday, September 29, 2011

Snakes>Broken Brakes>Colds

I rue the day that I ever thought watching the movie Contagion would be a good idea.

I'm sick.

And from watching the movie I now know that I probs have an illness that came about when the wrong panda bear and the wrong penguin got together somewhere in southeast Asia, had a love child, and then said lovechild was sneezed on by some sickly pigeon...who later that week snogged with one of the chickens that laid some of the free range eggs I ate for breakfast last week. #fml

floozy chicken... you'll pay. mark my words.

At least I've learned my lesson in not consulting WebMD for help anymore when it comes to checking symptoms, if I did my next post would probably be titled "My last post. Forever." and would most likely be an outline of topics and jokes suitable for my funeral, probably throw in a lifetime achievement video... or two, and a list of people who are most definitely not allowed to speak at my funeral.

It all started last weekend when I even missed out on a camping trip over the weekend because I was sick. Which is saying a lot; I also suffer from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Disease, so missing out on a camping trip was almost as bad as the cold itself.

So Saturday, while sick, I thought for some forsaken reason that it would be a good idea to go for a hike. "Fresh air will be good for the soul... and my cold, right?" So I talked Taylor (who was getting over a cold at the time as well) into going on the hike too. We suited up and headed up the canyon. Little did I know that by the end of the day I would be fully capable of writing an educational pamphlet titled; "Three Simple Steps to Ruin Your Fun Filled Saturday Hike."

Step 1: One thing that I did not really take into consideration beforehand was small fact that heading up to a trail that is 6,851 feet above sea level with a congested head and not being able to equalize the pressure change properly because of all the junk in my sinus cavities from my cold was probably not the best idea ever. So as a result, the higher we drove up the canyon the more and more my face felt like it was going to explode.

Step 2: You know that point during a cold when you can't really hear anything and everything just sounds muffled? That's definitely what I had going on Saturday as well. So that + Step 1, turns out, is the recipe for temporary deafness. While we were hiking I had to keep looking back behind me to even see if anyone was still behind me, because I literally could not hear anything going on around me. Now just in case any of you were born with common sense and haven't experienced Step 1 or Step 2 combined, let me just tell you; hiking in silence within nature but sans nature sounds may or may not be one of the most eery feelings ever.

Step 3: So after the hike we headed back down to my car. I have already given a glimpse into the pure beauty that is my car... aka the bane of my existence; so as we were driving along on a steep tiny little swirvy two lane road down the mountainside, my car turned off. Yup, just plain turned off.

So riddle me this, when exactly is the best time to tell your passenger that you no longer have steering capabilities or working breaks while racing down a curvy mountainside? They might want to look into teaching that in drivers ed these days. Mostly so you could a.) read it and laugh at the time b.) forget all about it and then c.) panic trying to remember when the day finally does arrive when you actually need to know it. A lot like the scenarios 'what do you do if your car gets stuck in a snowstorm', or 'what you're really suppose to do after you get into an accident.'

Well, I chose to hold out at first, that was until Taylor noticed me using pretty much all of my arm strength to turn the steering wheel at just one of the hundred windy curves that it took us to get up the mountain in the first place.

Taylor: Did you loose your power steering?
Me: Yeah.. um, I think my car turned off.
Taylor: [silence]

I looked over to the part of the dash where all of the warning lights live to see that about half of the boxes were now aglow. Yeah, because as if the inability to steer and the lack of breakage weren't big enough hints that there were problems... thank you little warning lights #captainobvious #nohelp

After arm wresting the steering wheel yet again around the next corner, I saw that there was a strip of gravel on the side of the road. #miracle

As we hit the gravel we started slowing down a little and Taylor turned and asked if we should probably stop here. I felt that this would probably be the appropriate time to tell him that I had the breaks pushed all the way down as we were still cruising through the gravel. Luckily there was enough gravel and ol' grey finally came to a stop. I put her back into park, tried starting her again. By #miraclenumero2, it started right back up.

To say my trust levels and amount of caution in continuing down the mountain weren't effected by ol' grey would be a lie. It's a lot like that video where the snake is freezing and cold on top of the mountain and he asks and indian that is passing by to take him down to the bottom of the mountain and the indian is like, "No, you'll bite me." And the snake is all like, "Nah man... I'm cold, I'm not going to bite you.. just take me down the mountain." So the indian takes the snake down the mountain and at the bottom the snake bites the indian and then the indian is all like, "YOU SAID YOU WOULND'T BITE ME!" To which the snake replies, "You knew what I wassssssssss when you picked me up..." In probably the most haunting voice. ever. As the indian is left lying on the ground... abouts to die. Does no one else remember this video?! Maybe its because I'm Indian or maybe because I'm uber freaked out by snakes (anything that can move that fast without legs has got to be from hell) either way - it has stuck with me all these years for worse or for better.

Luckily we made it down the mountain alive. But lets just say hiking and close calls when you're sick generally isn't the greatest idea, and I had all day Sunday and Monday in bed to remind me of it.

Morals of Post:

  • In related news, this was the banner ad stalking me when I just googled trying to figure out if I'm to use "supposed to" vs. "suppose to" right now...

           um, creepy much? #paranoia

  • To those who brought soup and/or NyQuill this week (you know who you are)... I love and owe you. When I am better and not contagious, I will even hug you. #grateful
  • If there is at least one take away from this post; let it be: NEVER PICK UP THE SNAKE. but for reals.. NEVER


  1. Bless your poor soul! How do so many things happen to you and all at once?

    Btw, I'm prescribing some probiotics for your immune system. I'm Asian so I'm basically a doctor and can do that.

  2. my mom tried to sell me on the whole "come-camping-with-us-fresh-air-will-do-you-good-and-you're-running-a-fever-so-high-you-won't-need-a-space-heater-ha-ha-ha" shenanigans once.

    but in the battle of rita v. nature. nature lost. I stole all their tents and hid them underneath our deck.

    P.S. today is awful and rainy, and your blogpost is like happy happy sunshine. so I hope you feel better, cause you have already made me feel better!

  3. That's awful crazy crazy and scary all in the same sentence! Dear H, please get better soon! I'm glad you been taken care of somewhat. I also watched that dreadful movie. Why I dunno nothing about gave me warm fuzzies and I'm already a self declared OCD on washing hands. It made me wanna be like Howie Mandle for a week then I got over it. Car trouble ~ you don't want to end up like me with a timing belt that snapped on MM Blvd. Get that checked sooner than later. Take care B & lots of H20!

  4. I. LOVE. YOU. Thank you for your blogs! I'm sorry your life is filled with so much drama, but not really--makes for some great stories. Keep up the good work. Oh, and BTW I have a story I need to share with you one of these days about my pet snake, Snakey-Snake. He was so cute, always curling up around my neck. And that's why I felt really bad when I accidentally cooked him...

  5. Dude, you're like a living death magnet.

  6. Hawk, you never cease to amaze brother. :) Hope you're feeling better now.

    I tried camping while I was sick once. I threw up all over my lap while driving 75 MPH cause I had .2 seconds notice before it happened and I had scouts to the side and behind me. Not very cool. But way cool at the same time.

  7. I loved this story so much that I called you right after reading it and left you a voicemail- which I know you won't check. But I couldn't contain my laughter and I was on my way to yoga.
    Seriously, I don't know if the best/worst part is the muffled hiking or the brakes going or you trying to keep your cool- AHHHHHH! Who does this near-death stuff happen to? It's only funny because you are ok, but considering how much happens to you, it's almost like a guarantee that you won't die/be permanently injured while in your prime. Positive takeaway there you go. :)


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