First things first; I wasn't shot. So that is not the reason why I have been a little late in writing. To tell you the truth; my communication skills have decreased a solid 92% since I moved to New York. I blame the subway. No really. You know how some things bring out the best in people i.e. chocolate, avocados, puppies, DuckTales theme song, etc... and then you have things that bring out the worst in people i.e. the subway, stepping on nails, the subway, wet socks, the subway, etc..
Things I also attribute to my new decrease in communication:
1. My phone charger is on the other coast in someone else's possession and wont give it back... (you know who you are...) and I'm too stubborn to buy a new one #taurus
2. My phone has no 'silent' anymore, so I have to turn my phone completely off when I need it silenced. UPDATE: turns out someone saw me power off my phone and said, "why don't you just put it in airplane mode when you need it to be on silent?" Well that would just make too much sense..
3. Dear Apple, come out with the iPhone 5 already; I can't make it much longer..
Um, little interjection - (I have ADD, deal with it) - I'm at the laundry mat and there are these girls that are having a myspace photo shoot right behind me using the full length floor mirrors. I'm the only one back here and this desolate corner of the laundry mat has become extremely uncomfortable. I literally feel like I'm watching the photo shoot for some scary planned parenthood campaign #yikes
Where were we?
Oh, yeah - missing teeth.
Let me take you on a journey, so almost three years ago on Christmas day I was over at my sister-in-law's parent's house visiting and while I was there they offered some toffee of some sort (the kind that gets stuck to your teeth before you even put it in your mouth somehow and is only available once a year during the holidays) and when I started to chew on it, I felt the crown on one of my bottom molars come ripping off.
I pulled out the half chewed gloppy mess of caramel toffee and sure enough, there was my tooth.
Cue: panic and anxiety
I am fine with blood and things of that nature, but for some reason I am NOT cool with dental anything. So I stood there feeling light headed as I was holding my tooth thinking; great let me just hop on over to the dentist and get this taken care of on Christmas day, oh wait..
Cue: more panic, more anxiety
My now exposed tooth was incredibly sensitive and by this point I was freaking out a little (and by a little I mean a lot.) My parents saw the whole thing go down, and my mom tried to offer some advice;
Mom: We can just superglue it in and you can get it taken care of when the dentist is open again.
Me: Um, no thanks. We are not putting super glue in my mouth none the less on an exposed sensitive tooth.
Mom: People used to do it all the time.
Me: People used to drink and smoke when they were pregnant, was that a good idea?
Banter continued until I breathed in again and the air shot a shock down my tooth.
So there I was asking my sister-in-law for superglue who in return went and asked her parents if they had any superglue at their house.
Sister in law: Do you guys have any super glue?
Sister-in-law's parents: Why do you need super glue?
Sister in law: Hawk's tooth fell out
Sister-in-law's parents: He's going to superglue it back in?!
Sister in law: Yeah, I think so.
Sister-in-law's parents: I don't think thats a good idea...
Yeah, thanks - let's go ahead and make this a family affair. Anyone else that we would like to get in on this; poll the neighbors? phone a friend? draw a diagram for group discussion? For the love.. just someone get me the damn superglue!
So a few minutes later after some rummaging, the mom found some superglue and gave it to me - I immediately set up camp in front of the bathroom mirror - paper towels, crown, superglue.. It was go time.
[Fast forward to the following monday after the 'incident' in my dentist's office]
Dentist: Well what can we do for ya?
Me: Um, well my crown came out on Christmas and I, well I, you see it was like..
I beat around the bush for at least a solid minute before I blurted out in panic/shame:
Me: I superglued my tooth back in, can you ever fix it?!
The dentist tried pulling out the tooth, got a few tools and tried again; each time more aggressive tugging and still no results.
Dentist: Hmm, looks like you did a PRETTY good job in there.
Me: um, thanks?
Dentist: No really, excellent job. It is not coming off. It's not even budging. Ever think about going into dentistry?
really? now is NOT the time for dentist jokes..
Me: So what do I do?
Dentist: Just leave it in until it falls off again and then come in and we'll put it on the right way
He reassured me that the 'superglue was safe' and blah blah blah 'used to use it in the military' blah blah blah 'for surgeries' blah blah 'organs' blah blah blah 'you'll be fine'...
[Fast forward three years and on the opposite side of the country]
Every weekend I'd go to the beach, and going to the beach in New York is quite a bit different that what I'm used to. You have to take the subway to Penn Station and then take an hour long train to Long Beach and then you would have to pay to just get into the beach. I know right?
Each week there would always be a group that would go down it was a big group of friends of friends of friends of friends so there were always like 20+ people that you didn't know until after spending a day at the beach together.
I had just put on 5 spf sunscreen and plopped down on my towel when my friend Kristen offered me one of her swedish fish.
Swedish Fish. Saturday. Friends. Sun. Beach. #bliss
That was until mid chew the half masticated jolly red fish viciously attacked said molar/crown and ripped it out... again.
You have got to be kidding me. Here I am.. on the beach.. an hour away from Manhattan... and about 7 or 8 states between me and my dentist.
But if we've learned anything from Ellen (#hereandnow #dvd #gobuyit) it is that pain takes a backseat to your pride and/or ego. always. So in a big group of people that I didn't know well enough to freak out to that my crown had just fallen out.. I had a silent anxiety attack as I casually and sneakily pulled out the fish that now consisted of Sugar, Red 40, and my crown.
I dare any one of you to stealthily fiddle around with a half chewed swedish fish, with sandy hands, all while trying to get your tooth back in the way came and is supposed to go without anyone noticing. Yeah, about as easy as it sounds.
At the train station on the way back I bought a pack of four little super glue packets... just in case.
Dilemma; dih-(lem)-uh. noun: "When one looses their tooth in a gummy fish accident and is faced with the decision to wait two days with a loose crown until one can go to the dentist and get it fixed, or superglue it in again and hope for the best."
[Fast forward to the dentist office that Google search found for me in the Rockefeller tower]
New Dentist: Hi, so what can we do for you today?
Me: Um, well my crown came out at the beach this weekend because of a swedish fish.
New Dentist: What's a Swedish Fish
Are you human? What rock have you been living under? It's a candy.
Under-qualified Dentists Assistant: [chimes in] I love those!
Me: Yeah, I did too.
New Dentist: So my [under-qualified] assistant said that it has come out before?
Me: Yes, once... but I super glued it back in.
New Dentist: Wait, are you serious?
Me: Do people usually kid around about that?
New Dentist: Well no, I have heard of people doing that but have never actually seen it in real life before. Really? You really super glued it in? And how long ago was that?
Me: Yup, true story. Three years ago.
New Dentist: Wow.
The rest of the office visit gets a little hazy; what I do remember is how nervous I was that the [under-qualified] assistant kept doing the exact opposite of what the dentist asked her to do, and she made me hold the x-ray machine gun up to my face in place so it wouldn't fall down. Is that normal? That can't be normal. Please tell me that you have never had to hold an x-ray gun barehanded up to your face as she runs and hides behind a wall and hits the button from a safe distance!? Ugh, homegirl was buggin.
[Fast forward to now]
I have all my teeth. Huzzah. No more living in constant fear of chewing gum, See's candy, or anything of the like.
Morals of Post:
- Speaking of 'I should be a dentist'... I should. Lets talk about this for a minute a.) I have nimble hands b.) in a dimly lit bathroom I was able to successfully semi-permanently attach my own crown c.) one time I extracted someone's molar in the mountains of Peru #truestory (but that's a post for another day) and d.) I'm sure the whole phobia of all things dental would get better over time, right?
- Not only did the [under-qualified] assistant make me hold my own x-ray gun aimed at my face, but she kept calling my crown the 'cover thingy' and she doubled as the receptionist/magazine reader #worrisome
- Swedish Fish... still worth it.