Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Empire State of Mind

Oh heyyyy.

So here I am, sitting in Central Park, watching the sunset.

Oh, by the way – I moved to New York.

That’s why there has been a little bit of delay in getting some posts up, I have about three that I was working on before I left that are saved as drafts – so just to give you a heads up when you’re like ‘Wait? This doesn’t make sense - Isn’t he in New York?”

Actually, today was my first day.

It might sound really blissful, but I right now I have a migraine and am locked out of my friend Chad’s apartment that I’m staying at for the week.

I've been out here so long that I’m starting to ration my Smartwater. That’s when you know its ‘city’ bad.

Also, I haven’t even been here a full 24 hours and yet I’m convinced I’m a New Yorker already. The problem is New York apparently doesn’t think so, and it annoyingly keeps humbling me about every 25 minutes.

Things I’ve learned today:

Ignorance = bliss misery  (especially when it comes to the subway.)

For example: get on the 6 train, get off the 6 train. Easy right?

Yeah, that’s what I thought too.


Turns out you can’t just get on any ol’ 6 train, put in your headphones for 20 minutes, and then get off at the desired location, I guess you have to actually be pointed in the right direction or something like that to get where you want to go. Meh, minor details.

Figuring out the Subway system around this joint is like telling a turtle to translate the Bible into Finnish. Unless you’re talking about me, the most directionally challenged human being you’ll ever meet, then figuring out the subway system around this joint is like telling a crippled, blind, and French Canadian turtle to translate the Bible into Finnish. Odds, sadly, are not in my favor.

Something else I learned:

When you realize this and get off said 6 train going the opposite direction and then try to find the right one, you then enter the turnstiles to get into the subway and then see signs for 2 different end points and have to exit the turnstiles again to read the giant subway map that is past the exits, and when you try to get back in - turns out you have to wait 18 minutes before you can use your damn metro card again to get back in. WHO MAKES THESE RULES UP? It's like playing Monopoly with a 6 year old... you get told some ridiculous new rule after it's too late that makes no sense at all.

So now you get to watch as both trains pass as you are stuck on the opposite side of the gate watching your train leave through the bars. But at least you know where they are going, right?

Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all bad experiences today, sometimes heaven knows when you need a little pick me up and usually it comes in random shapes and sizes. For me it came in the form of a tough guy wearing a vest going to get off at his stop but the buckle on the back of his vest got caught on the bag of the lady standing in front of me. When he tried to leave he thought someone was holding him back and trying to pick a fight while she thought someone was trying to rob her and steal her bag. Luckily, since the subway was so packed, this was pretty much unfolding on my lap, and I had courtside seats to watch the whole thing go down. They both turned toward each other with their New York ‘Imma gunna cuuuuut you’ faces until they realized what had happened. By that time the lady's friend was trying to help the guy get loose before the doors closed and he missed his stop. Everyone just stared in anticipation… some hoping he made it, and others secretly hoping he didn’t, just to see what would happen. Stop judging us the latter group.

He made it. Barely.


Okay, I’m back.

It’s tomorrow. I’m in the park again… and locked out of the apartment again, but this time it’s sans headache. I have GOT to get a copy of that key.

Recap last night: When the ratio of crazy people with possible weapons to just normal crazy people with dogs began to dramatically increase in the park - I headed back to the lobby to wait for any of the roommates to get back. Meanwhile, my migraine just got worse and worse and of course my prescription was inside the apartment. So my new focus was shifted solely on trying not to throw up in the lobby.

The rest is a blur, but I woke up at 5:30 am the next morning bright eyed and bushy tailed; so something must have worked out okay.

I have also, after today, come to a realization that all of life’s lessons can be learned on the subway. I should have a segment just on that – as you can see from above I have already been exercising my subway learning curve.

So today’s subway lesson of the day:

I need tattoos on my neck… a lot of them.

No, hear me out. There is definitely a correlation between the number of tattoos on your neck and the percentage of people that don't want to mess with you.  Like get a couple of teardrops or something tattooed (somewhere between 7 and 9) to send the message that:

a.) this ain’t my first rodeo, son.  
b.) mess with me and you just might be the 10th tattoo mark on my neck and
c.) I’m not fresh meat nor a NY virgin, so don't even think about mugging me

Morals of the Post:
  • I was discussing the need for neck tattoos with my sister and since I am moderately terrified of needles she suggested that I get the temporary stick on tattoos. BRILLIANT, SISTER! brilliant.
  • Also, I went to the Food Festival in Times Square last night for Dinner. Which was incredible. I went with some friends and we somehow all got separated so it was just me and Edelisse to fend for ourselves. Turns out she was the best secret weapon EVER to take with you to a food festival. Guys would keep giving her free food or tons of extra food for regular price - it worked on everything from empenadas to bbq chicken wings. Homegirl knew how to work it! She became the literal bread winner as I would give her a ticket and she would go work her magic and come back with plates of food. Well done Edelisse, well done.
  • Hey Blogmother - I'm in NY... let's do lunch!
  • Everyday since I have been here I have heard the "New York" song in the most random of places each day - It must be a sign. Thank you @nataliedont for starting the tradition - and on future days that I don't actually hear it, I will whip open your voicemail and just have you sing/rap it to me. Still counts. 



    The city welcomes you & your cool shoes. :]


  2. I tried to enjoy this post as much as I could but I kept remembering how sad I felt for you :(

    Now... I DEFINITELy will fully support you on the temporary neck tattoos idea. One time I gave myself a "sleeve" of ball park frank temporary tattoos and they didn't wash off for like 2 weeks. My second success with temporary tattoos was when I decided to be sexy/clever for this Victoria's Secret fashion show party i was invited to, and i gave myself a "crown" tattoo on the top of each boob...like Eve. It was a good idea until I went to work the next morning and forgot they were there and also forgot they would be there for a long time.

    also...SO jealous of the food festival. my mouth is watering.

    lastly, i would be lying if i wasn't praying for a mini shout-out...BOO YAH. you know me too well. (as has been discussed previously in our foreordained blessings from Upstairs).

    I MISS YOU! It sounds like you are loooving your life....but my boring life is getting dry without some Hawkesauce....

  3. Ahh the metro. I had a similar disaster when I was in D.C. I ended up getting off and going up a dead end staircase. Naturally my card then wouldn't work and I was locked outside the gate thing. With no other options I eventually gave up and climbed over. I found an employee and told him that my card didn't work, I was lost, and wasn't sure what to do. He was nice but informed me that it wasn't a good idea for me to be left alone. Embarrassing.

  4. UGH, I MISS YOU!! Right now, getting out of bed is an accomplishment for me and my Hawk-less life. :(

    I knew you'd be a New Yorker instantly, I knew it! And WAIT, you're directionally challenged?! ;)

    Can't wait to hear more NY Hawkward Moments and adventures because I'm sure they will come in abundance. I'm also excited to hear about that little place you're going to. What's it called again? Oh yeah, Europe.

    And thanks again for calling yesterday, I LOVED LOVED LOVED hearing your voice!! You have no idea how much I needed that. Btw, 73 days!! I know you don't need a countdown since you only have the most epic of summers ahead of you but I sure need it. 73 days, 73 days, 73 days...

    PS, your shoes came! I assume I should mail them after Europe? Let me know. HUGZ!! :)

  5. Ahhhhhh, this is like magic! It's like we're reading your memoirs while you're experiencing them. You are going to be subway smart so fast that you will be considered a native within 2 weeks - especially with that pro-active NY wardrobe you bought. That's what they told us in London- and it was true! Can't wait to hear more. You live in NYC!!

  6. Um... I'm moving to new York. I'm actually in new York right now, sitting on a bed, looking out at the rain in a house in Great Neck. I'm testing the waters, if you will, before I move here for real in august... This is not a joke. We should probably be friends now? The universe has spoken.

  7. Get the NYC subway map by mxdata on your phone or iPod. Saved my directionally challenged butt when I was out there.

  8. You're cool.

    Im at a loss for words.


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