Burn

Little boy passing me in the parking lot: "Hey dad... that guy has a purse."

Moral of Post:

• Little boy: 1  Man bag: 0

Road Rage and Uber Sized

I may be a pretty chipper person but I have found that there is one thing that is guaranteed to bring out the Mr. Hyde in me faster than anything else... driving with other people on the road.

No really... I could be having the best day of my life but the second that I get in the car and have to share the road with a bunch of people that maneuver their car like they learned to drive via Mario Kart or Rad Racer; it's game over.

When people drive like idiots on the freeway it's like I turn into an enraged/threatened savage she-bear trying to protect her young minus the fact that I, in fact, am not she-bear nor do I have any young.

Also, I have found that it is not only bad drivers that drive me insane but getting stuck behind slow drivers apparently has the same effect.

Here is a typical scenario...

I am driving while it is a 95 degrees outside and I think to myself... You know what, I'll take the freeway a little early today, which is typically under construction and usually down to one or two lanes all the time. This way I won't get stuck in traffic for hours on my way home...

Then I am gently reminded of the universe's poorly hidden vendetta towards me.

So as the lane goes down to one lane this is usually what I get stuck behind...

Turns out you can never be early enough on a freeway because the next thing you know, instead of traffic, you are stuck behind a slow car and trapped next to a house...

or the giant wing of a plane...

and then about five minutes later, the plane's other giant wing...

But this has to be the icing on the cake...

While on a road trip, after driving for hours and hours, we came up behind this guy and I thought, "Wow, I must either be really exhausted or absolutely starving... because - call me crazy - that kinda looks like a giant cheeseburger on the freeway that we are coming up on?!"

Oh wait, my bad; that IS a giant cheeseburger on the freeway.

Yes, that's right... a giant cheeseburger that takes up the whole bed of a semi truck.

And we wonder why there is obesity in America.

Morals of Post:

•  Things that I was unable to photograph fast enough while following them on the freeway: 
     
  - Mom duck and about six baby ducks waddling across the freeway in traffic.
  
  - Some giant mushroom-ish float for a 4th of July parade.
      
  - The pick up truck that had about 3x its height in stacked furniture and 'safely' secured with loose twine going 80 mph.
  
• For your information, I am still a better driver operating a camera whilst driving than about 93% of the jokers on the road with me. So don't even get me started!
  
• Update: Eric sent this to me today... I thought it was great, so I'm adding it.

"So in regards to your most recent blog post. I passed this guy on the freeway the other day. I wish I had a better shot, but what is in the back of this guy's truck are loaves of bread. Front and back, top to bottom; loaves of bread. Certainly not a giant hamburger but still weird."

Stage Fright with Rihanna

I went to dinner the other night at this great Italian place that I'd been to once before and had remembered these three things about it...

1. Best chicken pesto thin crust pizza you'll ever grace your taste buds with.

2. Incredible sea salted thin crust bread sticks with hummus.

3. Awesome modern bathrooms.

Now, being a creature of habit, I ordered the two menu items listed above and once again they did not disappoint; the bathrooms on the other hand...

I go to use the restroom and when I opened the door I was caught off guard by someone already in the bathroom staring me down....

this:

What the....

Never in my life have I walked into a bathroom with a glorified Chia Pet / effigy lurking in the shadows.

Frightening. Muy muy frightening.

Now, riddle me this... does this not look EXACTLY like a planty haired version of Rihanna?

No really, check it:

ONE AND THE FREAKIN' SAME!!

Suffice it to say that when you have Rihanna in the bathroom with you... there will be some degree of stage fright associated.

Moral of the Post:

• Disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
  Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?

          Yes, stone faced-plant haired Rihanna... yes, yes you are. 

• Jan told me the other day that I have a greater brain capacity and use more brain cells than the average human being... but that unfortunately, those brain cells are used to detect inanimate objects that look like celebrities.
  
  I'm afraid I'm proving her right.