Bra Secrets

Today Shannee covered herself in salsa while wearing a new white shirt. This is inevitable. She is the saddest/messiest eater I have ever known. This girl might as well put the food on her before she attempts to eat it, just to get that step out of the way. It truly is an incredible talent she possesses.

After the salsa incident...

Shannee: Dah, I'm going to invent one of those Tide Stain Remover stick thingies that you can hide in your bra...

[Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

Shannee: (more agitated) for messy girls like me...

[Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

Shannee: (louder and angrier) agh, this is  such b.s.

[Silence as she stares down at her shirt.]

Shannee: (defeated) Why does this always happen to me?! I AM A GOOD PERSON.

Morals of Post:

• Dear Shannee,
                            Maybe you're not.
  
  
•  I am perplexed at this 'hidden Tide stain removing pen in the bra' concept... Is this not the sole purpose of why girls have purses in the first place?! What are the qualifications for things being hidden in a bra as opposed to things which are demoted to being carried around in a regular ol' purse?
  
  Confused. Yet, intrigued.

Cobra Upgrade

At work I had a ton of letters to open and I couldn't find the letter opener that I always use (correction: the letter opener was just out of reach and I was too lazy to get up and walk clear over to the other side of the counter to get it...) So, I looked around and found a new letter opener and thought I would just use that instead - thank you universe.

3 minutes pass...

If you put an envelope between a starved bear on meth and fresh salmon, I think that is a fairly accurate depiction of what the envelope and letter looked like when I was finished with it.

Jenn:   What are you doing?!
Me:      Do yo know how to use this letter opener? I can't figure it out.
Jenn:   [ look of disbelief ]
            Hawk, that's a staple remover.
       
... painful, painful silence


Last time I checked, staple removers looked like giant snapping cobra teeth not letter openers.

Dear staple remover manufacturers,
          I would like to subscribe to your newsletter; so that when you make such a radical (and unnecessary) change I wont feel like such an idiot when I'm apparently the only one unaware of the new design; and you can stop embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Morals of Post:

• Kids, stick with things you are good at. If you try new things you will most likely fail, be humiliated, and get laughed at. Simultaneously.
  
  
• "Laziness is a secret ingredient that goes into failure. But it’s only kept a secret from the person who fails.”
  –Robert Half
  Shut up, Rob.
  
  
• "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that wont work."
  - Thomas Edison
  I knew I liked him for a reason...

You Don't Suck

Do you ever have one of those days when you are having a mild to moderately frustrating day and instead of getting a little sympathy from anyone, you just get slapped repeatedly in the face from the universe telling you to suck it up...

Case in point:

I was having such a day and thought I'd go emotionally eat lunch at my favorite pizza joint. I got a drink, grabbed a straw, and headed to work. When I got to work I unwrapped my straw and this is what I got...

Really?

Two things are happening here; anger and disappointment.

• Anger: What the?! My straw is actually sealed shut?! In all the straws that I have opened in my lifetime I have never been greeted by a defect before; you can't help but to take it personally. Especially when you are now nowhere near a backup straw - you are then forced to move the cup all the way to your mouth and have no choice but to pour the drink down your gullet like a Neanderthal... ugh, effort.
  

• Disappointment: If you are going to package me a straw that should belong on the island of misfit toys then don't add salt to the wound by making it look like a Pixy Stick that someone has sucked all the sugar out of... have I not suffered enough?
  

Moral of the Post:

• I feel an angry letter to the straw people coming on... so when ya'll see 'inspected by 26c' imprinted on your next straw and no longer have to hold your breath every time you open a straw wrapper to see if you get nothing more than a nub... you'll know who to thank.

Blogging Tickets and Cold Soup

I got my first blog related ticket. So pretty much I think I have just jumped from novice blogger to hardcore blogger status.

I was suppose to meet with Becca and Addi for lunch the other day at a Chinese joint. I sorta slept in. The worst part is that the night before I had haggled Becca into having lunch at 11:30 instead of 2:00 because I'm pretty much starving for lunch by 10:30. I thought it was a great compromise. Unfortunately, due to not being able to sleep the night before - I definitely overslept. When I woke up I completely forgot about lunch. So I got up and sleepily started blogging and around 11:45 I got a call from Becca - panic - I told her I was nearly on my way (mostly left out the part that I had to shower and get dressed too...)

I told Becca to order my usual and I would be there before they even realized I was gone. So as I am cruising over, a cop was coming the other way over a bridge and turned his lights before I even past him. What the?! Can they even do that? I guess there is a first for everything. I quickly sent out a distress text to Becca telling her that I was just pulled over. The officer ended up giving me a ticket for 14 over, which may or may not have been pretty generous considering the fact that I was clocked going 28 over... Then he thanked me for wearing my seat belt and how much he appreciated it. Jokes on you copper, I flung my seat belt on while you were pulling your kamikaze u-turn maneuver to pull me over - Its the little victories that keep me going.

So about an hour late to lunch I finally get to the restaurant and find Addi packing my meal into a to-go box. As I was thanking him Becca informed me that he was mostly trying to cover up the tracks of how much of my fried rice he had eaten. Clever.

Also, it turns out that if you let egg drop soup completely cool before you eat it it turns into a solid. So by the time I got there I had just enough time to chew my soup, eat Addi's leftovers of my meal, and enjoy the 9 minutes of company before I had to be at work.

Moral of the Post:

• Always wear your seat belt - but if you kind of forget and get pulled over... hurry and put it on while the cop is not looking... it may be the factor that drops your 28 to a 14.

Hippie Children

I helped Niel Diamond today.

Not the real one though... the one whose parents were hippies and thought it'd be cool to name their kid after the artist for some sentimental reason that I'm probably a lot better off/more innocent not knowing.

I was tempted to say something - but tact got the best of me. Instead, I have had Sweet Caroline stuck in my head all day.

Thanks Neil Diamond. The both of you.

And yes, the pot IS calling the kettle black. Deal with it.

P.S. - I have helped a few peeps who's parents were hippies; I feel as though we share a brotherhood bond of sorts.

A few of my favorites so far:

- Sandy Beach
- Silver Grey Cloud
- Thunder Storm Cloud (Silver's brother)
- Sharon Smith (the man)

Caffiene Patches

Sweet Mercy was today a Coke day...

I have found an interesting correlation between days at work that drag on for ever and my coke intake... today was such a day.

Luckily I work right next to a drug store - which is a blessing and a curse all in one. For example:

PROS

• Coke for a buck! You heard me... while all you other suckas are out at the gas station shellin' out the big bucks for an 8 oz. sip of coke, I get this beauty which INCLUDES a bendy straw and two pumps of cherry... all of which -I'm fairly certain- are Oprah's favorite things.
  
  
• Hours of endless entertainment watching senior citizen after senior citizen try and park their boats into compact car spaces in the parking lot.
  
  
• The fact that the peeps at the drug store let me stroll right on up behind the counter and get my own drinks... which you may think to yourself, "Instead of being helped you have to do the work yourself; yeah, real cool." But I'm telling you its not until you burst through the door with your shaky hands and beaty little eyes on a caffeine withdrawal and you see there are thirty seniors deciding if they want to add some spice to their life and get pralines in cream in their shake, or play it safe and stick with sugarless vanilla, will you understand the miracle it is to rush up in front of everyone and help yourself to the sweet nectar of the gods. Its kinda like going to Disneyland with some one in a wheelchair and going to the front of every line while you pass the poor saps that have been waiting in line for hours to get on the ride. (Which I got to do once... highly recommend it)

CONS

• Unfortunately almost all of said seniors (who have just spent the last 45 minutes parking mind you) come into my work before they hit up the drug store to fill up their prescriptions. Riddle me this... Have you ever been the one thing that stands between a crotchety old man and his prescription? Pray that you never do. I'm sure there will be many a post about those adventures in el futuro.
  
  
• I blame the economy for the next Con; two-penny penny candy. Since when did penny candy cost two pennies?! That's a 100% markup! Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the name "penny" candy in the first place?! Though I am morally opposed and sickened by this, I find that my dependency on Swedish fish outweighs any moral obligations. If I didn't think I'd be rocking the boat and lose my "get your own drink" privilege I'd bring up the ridiculous two-penny penny candy issue to the owner... but alas the angry letter will remain anonymous. For now.
  
  
• I feel that there has to be a third Con mostly because I'm OCD and it would drive me crazy having it be 3 pros and only 2 cons instead of a healthy 3 and 3 - so the next con is more of a love hate relationship with the fact that they used to have the greatest ice-cream known to man; Cherry BoBerry. Which only after having set me up on a bi-weekly dependency on the stuff did they take it away and later reveal that it had been discontinued for an indefinite amount of time a.k.a. "thats what we are going to tell you because we're scared you'll go bat-crazy on us when we tell you that actually 'indefinite amount of time' means never."

Until I can get my hands on some some caffeine patches... I guess I will have to settle for my Coke runs.

Moral of the post:

• Encourage your own grandparents to be nice to people that they interact with on a daily basis... because while you may get 10 bucks in a card on your birthday once a year from your grandparents... I on the other hand, am getting the wrath of mild to moderate confusion per old age and seriously get the brunt end of the stick... help a brotha out.