Do What?!

I find irony in the fact that although I do not drink nor do drugs I have been pulled over 3 times for suspicion of driving under the influence and once for - and I quote - 'dope' usage and driving (and no officer, kids aren't calling it that these days)

I'm not really quite sure how that relates to the quality of my driving but none the less it makes for some pretty good stories. In light of my recent ticket, I thought I'd do a little series of my favorite run ins with the law and pull over stories. Today's gem:

Birthday Pull Over:

This is hands down the creepiest pull over experience I have ever had. I had just finished having dinner with some friends in La Jolla and was driving back to the house to have dessert with the crew and on my way home I came to a light - let me just interject for a moment and tell you just how ridiculous California is for having 19 different lights going on at the same time per traffic light. Its just plain confusing. You have four arrows that are all different colors going different directions, that mixed with my slight (and debatable) red/green color blindness all combined together, it quickly became the recipe for what led to my pull over rendezvous . I turned left, on what I could have sworn was a green light, and it just happened to pull right in front of a cop who apparently thought otherwise.

The cop came up to my car and asked where I was headed, without thinking or being able to stop myself I blurted out, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY." Two words: word vomit. Don't ask... I really have no idea why out of thousands of things I could have said that is what I chose. Not really a highlight in my rhetoric career.

The cop, clearly not impressed, stuck out his hand in front of me and told me to blow into his hand. Excuse me? What the?! I think my facial expression expressed my confusion and he repeated, "Blow into my hand."

Still in shock of what he had just asked me to do I awkwardly blew into his hand like I was blowing into a straw. He cut me off and repeated with a little more edge in his voice, "No, blow into my hand." Still confused I thought, What does he think I'm doing?!

So I puckered up and blew my imaginary straw even harder.

After round two the officer had a look in his eye that made it very clear he wanted to taze me... and then it clicked, "Ohhhhh, he wants me to breathe into his hand. Like a little homemade breathalyzer test!" For some reason I was pretty excited that I had finally figured out the great 'blow in my hand' mystery - maybe a little too excited - and told the cop, "Oh, [awkward laugh] you mean breathe in your hand! Got it! Can I try again?"

I'm pretty sure that cop was left bewildered to the fact that he had someone pulled over that was drunk off his rocker, making NO sense, and unable to perform basic tasks - yet had not a drop of alcohol on his breathe.

He looked at my information and also checked to see if it really was my birthday and finally told me I could go. As he was leaving he looked in the back of my car and saw all of the balloons in the backseat -- Flashback - Earlier that morning I had found that my friends had filled my car completely with balloons to which I had a hay day popping them all, but didn't have time to clean up the mess and left them all in my car. So my car was utterly filled with latex carcasses of destroyed birthday balloons. (which in his defense probably looked like a whole lotta paraphernalia of sorts) -- and whipped right back to my window and asked, "and this?!' once again, word vomit "Birthday." I said sheepishly. No reply, just the most suspicious look I've ever received and/or will ever receive in my life.

I really have no idea how I got off the hook that night and didn't get carried off to jail for further drug testing, but to be fair this all could have been avoided had the cop not thought before walking over to my car, "How can I be the creepiest cop ever and make this the most uncomfortable pull over in history of law enforcement?" Hats off to you officer... I think you made a new record.

Morals of the Post:

• If you thought getting pulled over makes you nervous now - just wait til something like this happens to you. Experiences like these I'm nearly certain are what lead to future high-speed chases where the person might have pretty valid reasons to not pull over for a cop.
  
  
• When it is your birthday, play the 'birthday' card to its fullest extent. Sky's the limit. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results.